Chris Punsalan on: grieving in public, caregiving, and honoring grandmother Anicia Manipon

In this griefsense episode, I’m joined by multi-hyphenate creator and caregiver Chris Punsalan, known by millions for his viral videos caring for his grandmother, Anicia Manipon.

For nearly 8 years, Chris showed the world what love looked like in real time - through routines, folded napkins, shared meals, and the small sacred acts of caregiving. Some of you may know him from TikTok, YouTube, or Instagram, where over 6 million people followed their journey.

But when she passed, a new journey began - one with less guidance and fewer viewers: grief.

In this episode, we talk about:
🧡 grieving in public + not crying at the funeral
🧡 the identity shift after caregiving ends
🧡 anticipatory grief + emotional guilt
🧡 taking care of our health + nurturing our hobbies
🧡 honoring Anicia’s legacy through content and culture
🧡 navigating social media as a grieving creator

Whether you're a caregiver, griever, content creator / entrepreneur — or all three — this conversation will hold you where you are.

You don't have to carry this alone. The griefsense community is here for you.

related video: https://youtu.be/NMq8P1e_xgs?si=wBXb1CJX7jSvVxbd

Follow Chris on Instagram, TikTok, or YouTube.

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Chapters
00:00 Introduction to Grief and Growth
02:38 Navigating Personal Grief Experiences
05:23 Honoring Legacies Through Grief
08:30 The Impact of Caregiving on Identity
11:15 Finding Purpose in Grief
13:43 Anticipatory Grief and Its Complexities
16:33 Reinventing Life After Loss
19:36 Creating Grief Homes and Outlets
22:26 Reframing Grief Perspectives
32:15 Moving Forward with Grief
35:11 The Need for Authenticity
37:16 Legacy and Purpose
42:03 Creating Meaningful Content
48:32 Giving People Their Flowers
51:16 Cultural Integration in Content
55:59 Navigating the Creative Journey
01:01:16 Navigating Comments on Social media
01:04:00 The Impact of Metrics on Content Creation
01:07:12 The Invisible Metrics of Engagement
01:12:07 Living Authentically and Purposefully
01:16:37 Self-Care as an Act of Love
01:19:44 The Power of Vulnerability in Storytelling
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Transcript

0:01

Welcome back, griefsense familia. I have a special guest for you all today and I'm so honored and so grateful for this moment that we're about to have. It's been a little while, things have been feeling extra griefy in my world and we'll get into, share a couple updates with you, but ah I wanna say sometimes when you take a little bit of a break. that could be the best thing that you can do because sometimes things happen unexpectedly and blessings find you all the time. And so today's episode is a direct example of that. And the special guest I have for you all today is Chris Punsalan. My fiance and I have been following him for years since he had like 4,000 followers on Instagram and we got to see the glow up. It's been amazing just to see the growth. And I can't wait to just get into it, talk about all things grief. All Things Creator,preneur, all the things. We not gonna let any rock unturned. Okay, so without further ado, Chris, welcome to the Grief Sense fam and please, please, feel free to introduce yourself. First of all, thank you so much for having me. It's amazing. I love the background. I love the energy. um I am, I guess, a content creator. I've been passionate about making videos for as long as I can remember. And for the last eight years of my life, I was a full-time caregiver for my grandmother, and she unfortunately passed away last year. And so I have been on this new journey of grief and figuring out what that feels like. This is the first time I've lost a family member. who is extremely close to me and I'm just going through all the feelings and all the, everything that grief has to offer, all the good, all the bad. so I'm so honored to be talking to somebody like you who isn't afraid to talk about grief because at some point or another, I think we're all going to experience grieving. And I think it's important for people like you and I to speak on it so that other people who are going through it feel less alone. Wow, well said, yes. And I always find too that like when you experience grief, you unfortunately are like initiated into this club and gang that you never asked to join. And it's like traumatic AF, but it's also like a blessing because you get to meet people that you literally would have never met unless you've experienced these really difficult life challenges. So. ah I am so grateful that you are here. I'm so sad and heartbroken that you're dealing with this and that you're navigating this. But I am grateful that we have each other and we'll be able to impact a lot of people who are grieving. um And the thing is, right, if you're not grieving now, you're gonna grieve one day, right? And it's what's like normalizing the conversations with. which is exactly what you do throughout your content. love it, like just normalizing being vulnerable, normalizing grief, normalizing caregiving. Like you can become a caregiver at any moment or you might have to be taken care of at any moment because you can be medically incapacitated at any moment, right? And so it's like really, I mean, how do you prepare for crisis? It's not like you never know when a crisis is gonna happen, but by talking about it, you're already kind of getting yourself in the mental state to. for that. So yeah. Yes. Couldn't agree more. think I love that you said that I was initiated into this club, whether I wanted to be initiated or not. And I remember the first time I ever spoke on my grief online, there were so many people reaching out to me saying, you were saying all the things that I felt or I'm so glad that you're just speaking on these things because it's preparing me for when I have to eventually, uh you know, come across this in my life. And it was something that Like I said, I don't think grieving is something that people are looking forward to, but I think as long as you know that at some point in your life, you will experience grief or you will experience caregiving, and I always say that everybody at some point in their life is going to experience caregiving in some capacity, whether you're the one being taken care of or you're taking care of somebody or maybe you just are doing it on the weekends to help out a family member, everybody will experience both. So I think that's why it's super important for us to continue telling these stories and just have conversations around it just to normalize it Yes, amen. Yeah, that was great. Well said. um So, in true grief sense fashion, and it's definitely something I've ah learned to do, because it literally means the absolute world to me when someone does this, and I want to do it for you and your community as well. um And before we started recording, you asked me an important question. Why the angle of grief, right? 36 people have died in my life, which I've never met anyone else who has experienced that much loss at such a young age. I'm 29. uh Losses started with my father, who was killed in a hit and run in motorcycle accident years ago, all the way to losing about five people to suicide or had died by suicide to... My grandfather, who I was also a caregiver for, so I'm happy to kind of talk about that with you too. So even last year, meeting my dead birth father's family for the first time, for my grandfather to die four months later, and then my aunt to get killed in an accident two months after that. So it's been back to back to back trauma, but somehow, someway, I've channeled grief sense. And it's really this word I've given to this experience that... no word exists in the English dictionary, in my opinion. There's one in the Japanese dictionary, Ikigai, a little bit, but it's kind of like finding purpose, right? But for me, I take it a step further of like finding purpose after loss and wanting to like, I don't know, I've always had an obsession and like a fascination with people who were like going through these difficult losses, but still finding ways to honor their people, create some dope shit, like just. just impact their communities using their platforms responsibly. so that's why I interview influencers and creators who have experienced loss, ah because we can impact the masses to do the same. Like, hey, how are you honoring your person's legacy? Or in my case, you have multiple people's legacies that you're moving with. ah And I get the question all the time, Mimi, like, how are you still here? How are you? How are you doing this? I'm like, honestly, I don't know. But I feel like I have the power, the fuel of my people's legacies, like really driving me forward. So I don't know if you resonate with that, but that's really kind of the purpose of the show. ah And the question that I love and that really inspired this is what was your person's name? Right. Because everyone's like, oh, I experienced this loss. OK. How? And the first question is, how did they die? Like what, you wanna know how they died before you even like asked their name, like how they lived, what was their impact, like you know? And that's what this show is for, to really like honor our people that have died, but also how are we living life? How are we living fully in honor of them or how are we still navigating the hardest thing that we're ever gonna have to experience and still show up every day with purpose, with love, with impact and like. creating, being an entrepreneur or like having impact at work, whatever the case is, just like really making the most out of life while we have it. with that, I know I said a lot, but I really want to know what was your grandmother's name? And I know you've shared it in content before, but for the people, what was her name? What was her impact on you? I really want people to know who we're honoring today and how we can be inspired by her legacy and yours. as we move forward and really navigate this grief. So good, there's so much to unpack there. To answer the first question, my grandmother's name was Anicia Manipon. uh And what's funny about her name is that when she passed, there were many people who reported, which is weird, which is even a weird world to be a part of, right? Like to be a part of like when things happen in your life, it gets reported on the news. But people actually, were reporting her name incorrectly. I don't know where they got the information from. ah mean, her obituary, I mean, I think everyone's obituary is somewhat uh public information, but her obituary didn't have this name that people were running with. And so like people were just like incorrectly reporting my grandmother's name. So I love, that's why it resonates so heavily with like, it's true when people pass, the first question they ask is how did they die? They never ask, what was their name? What was their life like? It's always like, how did they pass? And so I love that you asked that question. To reiterate, my grandmother's name was Anicia Manipon. And she had such a big impact on my life. Even before I was her caregiver, she raised me. And I think a lot of immigrants can relate to this. Like when your parents are working all day long and they don't have the money to send you to daycare, they have your grandma or grandpa watch you or raise you. And so I was grazed by my grandmother. um And so she impacted me in that way. She was a public school teacher for 20 plus years in the Philippines and then immigrated here in the eighties, I think. And that was how I lived my life. I lived my life with a teacher and I hated it growing up because I feel like everything was a lesson. And I don't like, I don't want to hear about this lesson that you have because I just, I want to live my life and like, want to be carefree and I don't want to think about the implications of my actions. And like, I just want to live my life. And I didn't come to appreciate all of these teachings that she gave me until, until now. And I'm still unpacking all of the wisdom that she gave me during her life. And even as I was helping her throughout her daily life, like she just had so much wisdom for everything. and it's something that I cherish and it's something that I feel is a responsibility for me to continue telling that story, to continue sharing the wisdom that she gave to me because it would feel really selfish to have the platform that I've built and to not use it responsibly and to not try and help other people who are going through what I went through. um It would just feel like I'm wasting the things that she gave to me. while she was alive. And so I feel it's my responsibility and my duty to not only continue her legacy, but just to share with the world the wisdom that she gave me while she was alive. I love that. Literally, it's like literally your living grief sense. Like that's exactly what it is. And like, I can't tell you how happy I am. Like this is like this to me. Like, you know, I don't have a fancy house. I don't have all the money in the world. And I get a little bit emotional and stuff like that. But I'm still kind of like I've been a content creator for years when I'm like starting now to kind of like make traction and stuff like that. But like this this right here, like I can't tell you, it means the world to me. because just experiencing loss alone, trying to gather myself, is so hard. It's so hard. And people still expect you to be on go and you still have deliverables to make, whether it's for brand deals, whether it's for work, whatever it is, you still have to perform. And I just love meeting people like you who have navigated this experience that I've also experienced. um And it just makes life feel like it's worth living. It makes life feel doable. It makes life feel, oh okay, I can do this. If he can do this, I can do this. If we can do this, everybody listening can do this. And that is what it's all about. think it's like, we don't need to give permission to anybody, but by us sharing our stories, it naturally does that, right? Giving permission to people to just like, you don't need permission to live. But if it helps listening to other people share their stories, please let it be the life-affirming tool that it needs to be. live in that, honor it, embrace it, embrace the mess. And I just really love how you show up. I love how you share her story. I have to say, also during the pandemic, you held us down. Y'all held us down. Your videos, her voice, she's so cute. Literally, I remember watching. the videos because I, that, around that time, kind of unexpectedly became a caregiver for my grandfather. And long story short, I told you my birth father passed away, but I had the blessing to have another dad, a stepdad who raised me and his dad, my grandfather. We were really close. Around the pandemic is when he got like really, really sick. And I had never heard of anyone being in hospice for six months, but I guess it's true when they say black don't crack. I don't know. I don't know. I think that's so true to it. I think that's so true to it. Because he was just like walking around. I'm like, he's in hospice. Like, hospice where? uh And honestly, I cannot tell you last night, I had like, you ever have those like holy shit moments? So was making a post last night on TikTok about my grandfather. His name was Leonard Wallace, just because in the spirit of names. And I was like, whoa, timing and synchronicities. Like, what are the odds I'm recording with you today? And his birthday was yesterday. And I became his caregiver during the pandemic. Like, it's just like the synchronicities. I'm like, oh, okay, universe. okay, grandpa, I see what y'all doing over there on the other side, like conspiring and stuff like that. But I'm like, just the timing. But yeah, and like his legacy definitely inspired me. Just making decisions. And I always say like with grief sense, like life is a privilege. That's like the motto here. Life is a privilege. What are you gonna do with the one life that you have? And yeah, his death kind of was a catalyst. Like he died during the pandemic. A lot of people couldn't go to the funeral, which was traumatic in its own right. um And he just was my best friend. When you're a caregiver and you're young, like, you know, you, I would, I'm really curious to know your experience. Like you end up asking questions that no one else in the family is asking. Like I ended up asking him like, grandpa, like, do you want to be buried? Do you want to be cremated? Like, are there some cultural things you want represented? Like, what do you want to wear at your funeral? Like, you know, just conversations no one thought twice to I'm like, how are y'all not asking this man about to die soon? Like, you know? Um, you know, and so like, I was already like, the seeds were being planted on like, creating this podcast, but I knew that in order to do it fully, to do something that I love fully, I needed to make room. And so I quit my corporate job so that I could do it, which was really hard, but it was like, okay, I'm honoring my grandpa, my grandfather's legacy and like, nothing else matters. It's like, I feel like unfuck with a ble you know, I don't know if you relate to that, but yeah, just curious about your experience too on that. Yeah, well first of all, I love that you live with such a purpose and I long for that, for everyone to find the thing. Everybody has their own thing uh that is going to keep moving them forward. And I always pray for everybody, especially people who reach out to me constantly, like asking like, what is my purpose? Or like, what do I do with my life? Whether they're a caregiver now or they were a caregiver and they just don't know who they are post-caregiving. And so my prayer for all these people is that they find purpose in the things that they do on a day-to-day basis, because those are the things that keep us showing up. Like in no world are you creating a podcast like this or building a community where you're speaking on such rich topics and such deep experiences that you've lived. Like if you didn't go through all the things that you went through, wouldn't even, we wouldn't even be having this conversation right now, right? And so I, my hope for everyone is to find the thing, the purpose in them that keeps them showing up every single day. And I think, I mean, I always say, I don't think you've ever like fully, truly found your purpose, whatever that is. I think it's a constant search, but at least in the last, I don't know, six months, it has really. been revealed to me that my purpose here is so many different things. It's to honor my grandmother's legacy, yes, to continue telling the story of what it was like to be a caregiver, but more so than that is to be an advocate for people who will experience caregiving, who are experiencing caregiving, and who maybe experienced caregiving who haven't put language to the things that they've experienced. Because I remember when my grandmother first passed away. I went to New York and I met another caregiver and she was talking about her experience with her mother who was in hospice, not for six months, but she was in hospice. Her mother was in hospice and when her mom passed away, she wasn't as sad as she expected to be. And I immediately felt emotional. I cried because like I felt the same exact way and I have been feeling guilty for it ever since my grandmother passed away. I was like, shouldn't I? I thought I was supposed to be really sad right now. I thought I was supposed to be sobbing at the funeral. I thought nobody would be able to talk to me. And it was almost the complete opposite. And I was so confused by that. And when she said, oh, it's probably because you're experiencing anticipatory grief, where you were grieving the loss of your grandmother for eight years since the moment you stepped into this role of caregiving. you have thought about the decline. You started asking like, what do you want your funeral to be like? What do you want to be dressed? And like all the things that you asked your grandfather. And if you didn't, if you're not in that, that mindset of thinking about your loved one's death, when it comes, then it's going to hit you. But if you've already been thinking about it, when it comes, you've already sort of prepared for it. ah So when she gave me this language of anticipatory grief, it was like, So many light bulbs went off in my head like that's what I was feeling. What you experienced is what I experienced. And that's why I've made it my mission to continue telling the story, not just for the sake of telling the story, but in hopes that I can give language to other people who are going through what I went through. Because when you make those connections like, yeah, I'm not the only person who wasn't sad at my grandmother's funeral. for people who feel the opposite of like, I have no idea what I'm doing with my life now that I'm on the other side of caregiving. Like my hope is that through all the content and through all these podcasts that I do, that somebody comes out on the other side with just a little nugget of something that they're like, yeah, the thing that that guy said, I can't remember his name, but he said something that I resonate so heavily with. that's what, you know, that's my hope for doing all of this is that people just have these nuggets that they hold onto. Yeah, like planting the seed, know, and it's like, if it's not going to resonate now, it definitely will later. I loved everything you said. Thank you so much for sharing. And yeah, anticipatory grief there. And not to mention, there's so many different types of grief. Right. And like, I feel like when you are a caregiver or even just like, you know, someone is dying and like facing death in general. mean, you think about it, we're all really facing death. We really are. You you don't know what What time, like, dude, my father died at 21 years old. My best friend died at, I think she was 16. Other, like, so many people my life have died so young. Some people died also older, too, but never getting to really live long, full lives. Or if they did live long lives, did they face racism? Did they face oppression? Did they face systemic neglect? Like, did they live a full life? You know what I'm saying? Like, a privilege that... a lot of our communities don't really get to experience all of the time. um But I think with that, right, when you know someone is facing death and you have that anticipatory grief on your mind all the time, it's also like, I feel like we die multiple times during that time. And then after they die, it's like, part of you definitely goes with them, but I definitely feel like, The sadness piece, I was sad for sure, just like, mean, well, I'm an emotional AF, but it's fine. I embrace that about myself. Took a long time to embrace that. But it's like, I was more sad because the physical vessel isn't here anymore. Like, you know, like, you know, you have your routines. Like, go to my grandfather's house and take care of him. like, he would always have this thing, Chris. Oh my gosh. He used to, his big thing was drinking, which definitely led to his demise. Okay. He would. hide freaking coronas in like, and I peeped it because I had to go to the car real quick and my fiance Willie was in the house with him. And something that we wanted to do, cause he had like trouble with a lot of swelling, like his knees would swell and stuff like that. And like, I don't know, my fiance, he would make sea moss. He would make it from scratch. so. we started giving grandpa some sea moss just to kind of maybe help with the swelling, just help him feel better, more energetic, and it actually was helping him a lot, which was awesome. But in the midst of Willie trying to give him the sea moss and educate him, okay, had to to the car, come right back, and I was just like, it was such a cute moment, so I was like kind of peeking from the side of the wall. I see this man. He like grabbed his rolly chair in the kitchen, brought it to under the sink where the kitchen was, and he had a whole stash of Coronas hid and trying to offer one to Willie. And then I go and I'm like, Grandpa, what are you doing? goes, ah, I'm gonna die anyway. Like, that's who he was, you know, like to the very end, like just comical and stuff like that. But with that, right, like those moments are just so rich and like you just can't make them up. um But with that, right, I feel like when you're facing that, you know someone who is dealing with that. It's a way of like, after they die, you're kind of reborn in a way. Like you have to reinvent yourself. And I think that's why I have this outlook in life and I'm seeing it unfold with you too. uh With Grief Sense, like I just really feel like. when someone dies in your life, that's a whole world, a whole universe. Granted, the whole world keeps going on, and our world just stops. You have the routine, you have your daily things that you would do every single day. It was almost like autopilot. You have a new, but now you have to create a new autopilot. You have to create a whole new life. It's like, what is my life? What is my name? What's my purpose? It's like, what the freak am I doing? You forget who you are, kinda. But then it's like once the dust settles and people go about their daily lives and stop checking on you because that's also real thing after the funeral, it's like, okay, this is life now. I have to reinvent myself. um And to think that I've had to do that over 36 times is like beyond me. um But it means a lot to me, like seeing people like you kind of just. be open about it, right? Because there's so many people dealing with grief right now that are still on their autopilot, whatever that looks like for them, going to work, doing the motions, even caregivers, right? They're going about their daily routine, um and they're going to kind of face this reality pretty soon. So I'm just curious to see how that resonates with you and any advice for someone who is in the midst of or had to, I guess, reinvent themselves or adapt to this new normal. Yeah, so good. I think about so many people that I've talked to who they just have to reinvent. Like reinvent themselves is such a great term because that's what it feels like. Especially when this person was such a huge part of your life and for them to just, like they were here yesterday and now they're not. Like that's such a weird, like how do you, like what do I do with this new information? ah And I think I'm still trying to figure that out because it's been maybe like a year and a half since my grandmother passed and we were in such a consistent routine. Like, like I could, I mean, I, we, I was in such a routine and it's more so like, it's more, I don't know. It's routine is such a, I feel like it doesn't do it justice. did a typical day look like with grandma? Typical day just with just with the everything that I did with my grandmother. It was wake up at 6 ah Go downstairs and pray that she's still breathing which is like it lends to The whole like anticipatory grief because if you are walking into your loved one's room every single day like is this gonna be the day? That they're no longer breathing ah That's like it weighs on you. It's like it's a heavy thing to be constantly thinking about and Um, thankfully I never, didn't that, that, that, that experience never happened to me. And we would, I would help her get up. We would have breakfast. I would hang out with her. would give her her napkins to fold. Um, cause she, I gave her napkins after every single meal as part of her routine also, uh, because it was exercise for her hands. And also it just, I felt like it gave her a sense of purpose. because she felt like we were going to use these napkins throughout the day. And so she like took. a lot of pride in making sure that the napkins were folded correctly. And if I ever messed with it, I would never hear the end of it. So, and then I would help her back into her room. We would watch Price is Right, she would fall asleep as most, you know, grandparents do. And then we would repeat that three to four times throughout the day. And um that was my routine for the longest time. And... I'm still trying to figure out what is my life without that. uh And I'm so lucky that I was able to build a routine outside of that routine. I had the content that I was working on. had this whole like YouTube, Instagram, TikTok thing going for me, even before I made all the caregiver stuff. I was, mean, that's how you and your fiance found me is through the music stuff. So I was heavily into making music production videos. Um, and, and I built a whole business and a whole community, uh, while I was caring for my grandmother and, I was maintaining that. In addition to also looking out for my physical health, was like a avid gym goer, um, love running. And so those two things that like making content and running a business and also like the physical activity, like, thankfully I had those. that anchored me because after caregiving, like those are still the two things that keep me anchored. uh And I think everybody has a version of that. I think everybody has a version of things that they are doing, even if they are a caregiver, I feel like there's still things that they do in their day that keeps them anchored, whether it's like that cup of coffee in the morning that they really enjoy, or maybe that's a TV show or whatever it is, I feel like there's something that keeps us all anchored, ah even if we feel like we... have no control of our lives. And so like I'm still trying to figure out what does my life look like post caregiving. But I think the thing that's really helped me figure out what that is, is continuing to try. Because I think coming up with theories of what sounds good all day, like that doesn't really help me out. I've found that trying different things has helped me so much, whether it's like new content ideas or maybe it's meeting new people, which is really uncomfortable for me sometimes. But even doing stuff like this with you, like this is stretching me in a way that I'm not really used to. Like I never really like did podcasts with other guests or with other people before. ah I'm not really like the social butterfly who is out in a social setting and will go up to people that I don't know. But like in doing that, I have met so many wonderful people. So just, know, trying different, trying new things has really... um helped me a ton in this time of figuring out what does my life look like post caregiving. I love that, my goodness. Thank you so much for that. And I resonate so much, it's so wild. There's actually someone I would love to introduce you to. She's Filipina and I actually had her on the show. Her name is Lazele. um And her father passed, so they had went on vacation for Christmas and unfortunately her father passed while they were on vacation. And so she had to come back home, because he wanted to be buried. home in the Philippines. She had to come home and I'm like, like, what do you mean we're not going home together? um So that was like, you know, I like consider her like, and even you, not like I feel, I just feel like when you have those grief siblings or your grief family, like just bonded forever. So thank you for being part of my life now. m But I actually decided to name her episode, Grief Homes. And it's something I say, it's like one of my terminologies that don't exist in the dictionary that I say. Because like, you always hear this quote, I think it was created by a white man or a white woman, which, you know, it's fine. You know, a white griever, you know, it's fine. But like literally one of the reasons why I created Grief Sense was to have a space for us by us with us, you know? And like, everyone needs a space, you know, if we're for everybody, we're for nobody, you know? And like, I just feel like we need a space. for ourselves as well, um just to relate, connect, all of the things. And so there's a famous quote in the grief community that always says, grief is love with no place to go. I think it sounds cute, but I don't know if I agree fully. I feel like the love is here, you know? We have to give it a place to go. And so I think what you were kind of naming like as anchors or trying new things, I call grief homes, you know? Like, okay. how am I gonna honor my grief today? Because I'm a lifelong griever, whether I like it or not, here we are, you know? So like, okay, am I gonna go running today? Am I gonna go to the gym today? What are my outlets? Essentially, it's outlets. What are your outlets? know, do you make music? Are you, you know, are you cooking? You know, like, I have so many strange, not strange, but like hobbies, outlets that have found me that were like completely unexpected, okay? Like speaking, I do public speaking. It's not something I thought I was gonna do. It's not something I wanted to do. But because of grief and my story, people contact me all the time to speak at universities or conferences or whatever. I'm a LinkedIn influencer, so I'm getting opportunities all the time to share my story. NBC found me earlier this year and I got to share my story. um I got to share my story with President Barack Obama. Yeah, in 2019, I got to represent Connecticut, that's where I'm based, in Connecticut, and share my story. That would have never happened if I didn't experience this loss. But in the nature you were saying, trying new things, This year, for example, I'm helping my cousin open up a cafe. in Hartford. So whenever you find yourself in Hartford, you have to come through so I can get you some cafecito. uh Our specialty is a coquito latte. Have you ever had coquito before? haven't, but I've heard of it. Okay, yes, we gonna get you right. And then also, I meant to tell you this, so my fiance owns a restaurant, and actually it's down the street from our cafe, and it's called Soul Bowls, so it's like African American comfort food, so like mac and cheese, yams, collard greens, so just know if and when you're in Hartford, you're gonna be taken care of with the food, drinks, everything. em But. Yeah, like I'm finding myself opening a cafe and like everything that's coming with that, like blowing up on Instagram and like community finding you and just like gravitating towards you. And her and I, lost our grandmother and that's how we honor, that's one of the grief homes. We get to give the grief of our grandmother a place to go. And it's a really cool thing to visit when you want and it's a really cool practice. But that for me has been a really powerful reframe. And I'm just wondering if there's been any reframes for you, whether that resonates or anything else, just some reframes that you, what are some common grief things that you think you hear other people say that maybe you think differently on or that could help the community of grievers? good. love, first of all, I love that you're trying to reframe that quote because I reframing things to make it make sense for you ah and other people also who didn't necessarily relate to the original but then relate to the reframe. There are so many things in there. I think one reframe for me was actually the opposite of this entire podcast. because it's a comment that I've seen time and time again, it's the people that say, I think it's time for you to move on and put that past in the past and to move forward with your life. And to me, it doesn't feel like I'm living in the past. It feels like I'm continuing to move forward and because of this thing that I carry with me, I could use it as a gift. to give to other people who are experiencing it or who have experienced it. And that has been one of the biggest things for me in my life because I could read that and easily be uh influenced to, yeah, you know what, maybe you are right. Maybe it is time for me to stop talking about that time in my life and I need to move forward with my life and think about other things, which I think, mean, how could you even, I don't know, listen, if that's the way that you need to move, That is the way that you need to move. I can't cast judgment on that because that's what's right for you. But what's right for me in my life is it would be such a shame to not tell the world that I stand on the shoulders of giants and to not tell people the things that I've experienced and the wisdom that I've learned and the things that I've learned while grieving. Like if I didn't tell people these things or share my story in this way, like what a disservice to that time, right? What a disservice to, I guess, my grandmother. And this is not right for everybody, but this is what's right for me. And I have to continue because it's my responsibility to serve other people. And my service to other people is sharing my story, helping people who are grieving, helping people who are current caregivers or people who will step into that role. ah So I think that's been a huge reframe for me in the last six months is that, because I see that comment come up so often of like, Just, you gotta put it down, Chris. It's been so long already. You gotta move on with your life. And I would argue that I am moving on with my life. And I'm taking my story with me and sharing it with other people, because I think it's a gift. So. So good, so good. And I feel like that's what the world needs more of now. Like our world is hurting. Like we need more empathy. We need more compassion. We need more real stories. We need people being vulnerable. We need people just being real. Like I'm so over the superficial stuff of everything. And like, granted, like, you know, hear a lot of people talking about it. Like there's this A.I. Yes, we're in it. It's here. It's not going away. It's only going to get more presently involved in the things we're doing. ah And now you're seeing AI creators. I'm just seeing these crazy AI creators on Instagram and TikTok. I'm like, bro, I didn't even know that was AI. But then you can notice when the lips don't follow the words or whatever. But anyway, it's like, can't replicate this. You can't replicate real human connection in real life stories. They could try, but they could never. And I think as long as we continue to stand ten toes on business on that and like. leaning in with the grief and like, you're not always gonna be sad. I don't think grief is always a sad thing. Like grief and joy always coexist for me especially. Like maybe not right after the loss, right? You gotta let yourself kind of like feel all the feels, process how you're gonna process, be angry if you're angry, whatever. But the other myth too, I didn't even mention this earlier, but like the whole five stages of grief, bro, come on. Like that's for me, no. Like there's no stages. Like for me, it's like everything all at once. Yeah. And one thing I was not expecting to feel in grief is like jealousy. seeing, I experienced it more when I was younger, but like when I was a kid and like, you know, my father died and I was so grateful because I have a stepfather, you know, but like just seeing families with their dads and like, like the jealousy was just so real. um And I used to feel so shameful and guilty about it. But then like, but I was also happy because like my friends have their dads, you know, and it's like. Whatever, it's like multiple feelings all at once, I feel like is really what grief is. I don't know, but for me, I don't know, the whole five stages was never helpful and like kind of giving power to like the reframe, what you were saying, like, you know, like that to me was more real. Like I would see a grief creator on TikTok kind of sharing their experiences like, hey, yeah, like, you know, I got an award or I got a promotion at work and I'm really happy about it, but like, I'm still grieving, you know, like. Just multiple truths can always exist. But there was something you said earlier and I definitely need to address it and I love it. I love it so much. But you were talking about like, you know, when your grandmother was, you know, folding the napkins, right? Like giving her that sense of purpose. I feel like you also gave her such a huge gift and sense of purpose with the content. Like you made your grandma famous. Like she was part of it. She had her fans. Like we had the little stickers and the pins and the, you know, like I feel like the merch, like you gave her such a gift that like you just, it's priceless, you know? And so like, would kind of, I want to know a little bit more about that too. How do you think that experience was? Like did she ever like thank you for that? Did she ever? m look forward to filming content every day. Like, I feel like that's so beautiful and people don't really get to hear stories like that. Yeah, what's interesting about the content is early on when I was making videos with my grandmother, I have always tried to explain what it was that was going on. um But I always tell people to get my grandmother to understand what was going on, you would first have to explain what the internet even is. And if you don't, like I don't even know how to. to start with that. Like how do you explain what the internet is? And like every time that I would show her, like I tried so many different angles of explaining to my grandmother that we're making these videos. And one of those ways would be like I would have my phone and I would show the front camera and she would see it and she would just think it's a mirror. Like she had no concept of it being like this is a video, you know? And I think there's a sense of beauty in that, but there's also... um I guess I was writing a fine line because people always were commenting like did you get your grandmother's consent for this? Did you ask her if she was okay for her to be in the videos? Which are valid points uh And I never enter into answer those bluntly no I didn't get the the the consent or I never got a chance to ask her what she actually thinks of the videos that I'm creating online um I tried, but I just couldn't get her to grasp that idea and so that's why I thought it was so important for me to be very intentional with the things that I create. Never asked her to say anything specific. were, I can't even tell, mean there were family, there were people in my family requesting, like when the videos were exploding, there were people in my family that were asking like, can you get grandma to say like hello to these family members so that they could have like this video to show their other friends like, hey, I know her, like she used to be my teacher or she's like. were related, never did any of that. And so I tried to put these guardrails um for the stuff that I would put out online because I couldn't fully get verbal consent from my grandmother that it was okay to put these videos out. So um I tried to be very responsible with that, to speak on the pins and the merchandise and stuff. That I never set out to like, make a store, make an online store about like, to put my grandmother's face on a pin and like sell it. It really came from the community, like the community like were begging for some sort of merchandise or something to commemorate this really special time on the internet for them. So people were like, hey, can we have pins? Hey, can we have shirts? Hey, can we have this? Hey, can we have that? And people just started sending me stuff to create. Like, hey, can you turn this? I'm an artist and I turn this, your grandmother's face into like a thing, can you like turn it into a shirt? And eventually I just made one and like it completely like exploded online and people loved it. And then I started to think about like, this is less about me trying to make a quick buck off this internet thing that I'm experiencing. And it's more so memorabilia because I can't even tell you how many times I've given a pin to somebody and they say, wow. this reminds me so much of my grandmother. This makes me think, and like I've given it to people and they've cried because they instantly are taken back to when their grandparents were alive because of this little thing. And so that's the posture of my heart when we were selling these pins. And um I was able to tell my grandmother that we did have this business. I had to say that we had a storefront, because that was her frame of reference. She knew about storefronts. I had to tell her it was around the corner, and that one day I'll take her to the storefront to show her all these things that we're selling. And the two things that she always told me with this money that I'm making was, one, to save my money, to stop spending it on frivolous things, things that don't bring you any joy, and two, to make sure that I always help out my family. with the money that I'm making. And so those are the two promises that I always kept for my grandmother, never bought anything that she wouldn't approve of and that I always use the money to help out family. I don't know if that, I guess I kind of went on a tangent with like what you were asking me, but that's how I viewed making the content and just making the merchandise. It was always in service of other people and to make sure that my grandmother's requests were fulfilled. Yeah, and like legacy, like for me, you know, I feel like the people who think that that was a harmful thing are living in scarcity or just don't, you know, can't relate to what your life is like and they can never know. Right. uh But I think that's legacy and it's like just a way to honor her memory. And the thing that's even more beautiful about that, in my opinion, and again, kind of what I was saying earlier about the gift, I feel like you were able to give her is like you did it while she was alive. uh Like you let her have her flowers while she was alive. Didn't have to wait till she passed to honor her. And that is the most beautiful gift you can ever give someone. You know, and like it just really like that's what I appreciated about you and your content, especially during that time. Like I remember watching your videos and I'm on my way to my grandfather's house to like take care of him, you know, and like you said that you would watch price is, right? I think you said all the time. So us was UConn basketball. So my grandfather was obsessed. I mean, you know, we're from Connecticut, it's a big thing here. Everyone loves UConn, but he loved UConn women's basketball. And so his favorite player was at the time Olivia Nelson. um And I don't even know how it happened, like just these things that happen, right? It's a pandemic, everyone's stuck at home. I mean, granted, I'm a community organizer and activist. like, It was really tough for me to be a caregiver and also an activist, but I'm like leading thousands and thousands of people for the Black Lives Matter protest in my community, making sure I'm getting tested and stuff before I even like enter the house. you know, and he had a live-in caregiver, I would come when I could, but there had to be a point where like our routine would be interrupted a bit. I would have to stand outside the door because I was around too many people. couldn't go inside the house. You know, I didn't want to put his health at risk, which was like so heartbreaking and so tough to navigate. But one of the things I said was, I'm gonna make it my mission for him to meet Olivia Nelson. I don't know how, but it's gonna happen. I don't know how, but it's gonna happen. And he was getting really sick at this time. He was living at the hospital. And I couldn't arrange for them to meet in person. But what was I able to do was... Olivia Nelson was on live on Instagram with some two other male uh UConn basketball players and they were having a singing competition on live and just like, hey, like we're bored, like let's hear from the community and who can sing, like whoever sings can get, you know, we'll feature you on live with us. And I was like, shit, so my friends were like, Mimi, like they're on live, like go, cause they knew like Olivia Nelson was my grandpa's favorite. So. I guess it was a good thing I used to sing. I used to be in a band or whatever. So I requested, I messaged them, was like, hey, my grandfather's in hospice. It would mean the world if we could hear from you and make this happen, whatever. Long story short, sang for them. I sang Sunday Morning by Maroon 5, one of my favorite songs. And afterwards, after I sang, was like, okay, please, I need you all to record a video for me and address Leonard Wallace so I can show it to him. And they did. And it was like the most beautiful thing. he like, he was smiling from ear to ear. He called his friends. He goes, hey, like I just met, like, you know, not me, but like heard from Olivia Nelson and like, it was just so beautiful. He showed all the nurses. It was so cute. But like just being able to give him that, that gift, like it made me feel so good. And it like, just like honoring them, giving them their flowers while they're here, you know, and it's just, it's just so beautiful. That's amazing. I love that you went the great length of like making sure that you got this thing for your, for your grandfather. That's amazing. I had to do it. I had to do it. You know, and it's interesting, too. So like I mentioned briefly, but like last summer I got to so he passed 2020. But last year I got to meet my biological father's dad, my grandfather. And long story short, I found out they're in Minnesota. This probably sounds so ignorant, but I just didn't know a lot of Puerto Ricans live in Minnesota. And apparently my grandfather was a farmer because he planted his seeds all over the United States. and he had kids in like every race, every racial group you can think of. So I not only met my father's family, I find out I have like 15 aunts and uncles and 49 cousins. Like what? Yeah, it was insane. was like absolute insanity. uh And I had the opportunity to not be the full-time caregiver, but like be present with him as he, you know, with this cancer diagnosis that he had and. and really get to just spend all this time with him. One of the things I was able to do, which is something I will always hold near and dear to my heart, um is he was estranged from about four of his kids. Because, you know, he had kids in every generation, he lived all over the world, and he was in Minnesota. Long story short, I was able to reunite him with his kids that he hadn't seen in like 40 years, 50 years. His two oldest kids, met my uncle, okay balloons, Uncle Jeffrey, Uncle Jeffrey and my Titi Crystal hadn't seen him since they were like seven and eight and made it happen. We found them, made it happen. Reunited him with his youngest kids that he didn't speak to like 15 years, 10 years. Like there was a lot of family. Ickiness, know, messiness, drama from over the years. And I was able to make that happen too. And so I guess where I'm going with this is I feel like it's so awesome. Like no one has to have this grand purpose in life or do big things, you know, but it's like, if you can just be super intentional about honoring the people while they're still here. Like, I just feel like there's so much beauty in that. And like, just curious to see like you even like with your grandmother, outside your grandmother, like How do you feel like you are giving people their flowers while you're still here? Do you feel like people are giving you your flowers while you're still here? That's a good question. ah It's something, you know what's funny, and I'm not saying this because you brought it up, it's something that I have been thinking about so much lately, and it's something that I try to be so intentional about in my life. It's giving people their flowers, and as uncomfortable as it might be sometimes to stop what's going on and like compliment somebody genuinely, not just a compliment for the sake of complimenting, but like telling people, hey, These are the things that I feel about you. I felt like you should know because I don't know the next time I'll be able to tell you these things, right? And I think my grandmother's death really like pushed me to give people their flowers while they're still here because too often a family member or a friend will pass away and many people will be like, I wish I had said this. There were so many things, like they have so many things to say at their funeral when they probably didn't even get a chance to say it while they were alive. And I don't know, it's so funny that you brought that up because I have tried to do that so much for the people that I work with, people in my life, my wife. Anytime I train it like a muscle, anytime I feel a sense of gratitude for somebody, I try to tell them right away. uh Because again, I would hate to live my life knowing that if this person were to ever pass and I didn't get a chance to tell them this. I would feel such a, such a, so much regret for not being able to give them their flowers while they're still alive. So I love that you brought that up. And I think it's a muscle that we can all train, whether you feel it for your spouse or your, your loved ones or your friends. Like, I think we owe it to them to text them or to call them and say like, Hey, I was thinking about you. Uh, I think you're doing great work and I'm proud of you. And I think that's so important. And And it's not like to get it in return. It's really like, because if you feel like a deep sense of gratitude for somebody, like what a blessing you could be to that person's life by telling them. So yeah, think, 100%. my goodness. Yeah. Well, with that and in the nature of flowers and sense of gratitude and everything like that, you know, we are in some really difficult times right now. uh But in Anicia, right, you said just her name, your grandmother. uh Something I also really love too about your content is just like you're just because of. you and who you are and who she was, you were also naturally kind of like educating people about your culture, you know? And I feel like that's so beautiful and I think people need to do more of that now, especially with just like attacks on immigrants and ah just trying to other us, know? Like divide us, but like I feel like us being from different countries and different places and being here in the United States. ah just like honoring our cultures is so beautiful. And so I kinda, if you're open, I would love to hear, you know, how were you intentional about integrating your culture and your content or just like making sure her cultural roots and things like that were known about or are still known about. I just think that's so powerful and so beautiful. So. thank you so much. Yeah, for sure. I mean, in the beginning, I was less intentional about it. And I think it just shows through the type of person that I am that like, this is my culture. These are the things that I experienced in my daily life. And I think just being transparent and vulnerable online, like that just comes naturally. But I think more so after the fact that I heard from fellow Filipinos saying like, I love that you're speaking. Kampapagan which is the language that I spoke with my grandmother. I love that you're speaking it uh on these videos because I haven't heard this language since my grandmother passed away like 20 years ago. Or like I haven't heard it since I left the Philippines all those years ago. And just hearing that, um it just made me want to be more intentional about, yeah, like this is who I am. This is the language that we speak. These are the customs that I grew up following. the traditions that I grew up following. um just because for the longest time, like being a child of immigrant parents, for the longest time, I was sort of ashamed of that when I was in school, because I would get made fun of for like maybe the types of food that we liked, or maybe I would bring lunch that didn't look like a sandwich, you know, like. Real, so real. And um I'm ashamed that I was ashamed, but also, like, I think that's a chance for me now to, like, be proud of where my parents came from and to show the world, like, how we live our life. Because I think that's what makes the world so interesting, right? Like, the way that you live your life and the way that I live my life, there are some parallels, but it's completely different. But I think that's what makes the world so interesting is because, like, your culture is different from my culture, and, I could learn from... how you guys live your life. could learn from your customs and your language and everything. So ah it was more intentional about showing my culture and my roots in the later half of the caregiving stuff. But yeah, I think it's important. Yeah, thank you for sharing. Yeah, I just think now, I mean, it's been heartbreaking, right, to see how families have been separated and attacked. And it's just been really tough to watch it, right, regardless on people's views and stuff. Like you're seeing families being torn apart based on just their natural basic human right of their culture. can't choose your culture, you know, you can't choose what you were born into. And it's just like so sad. But I love, I've seen videos now of people just like wearing their cultural uh clothing and cooking the foods and just standing ten toes on it because that's what it's about. Like we're here, you can't get rid of us. Like this whole country is made up of immigrants, you know? And I just think it's so powerful and beautiful when people share their stories, integrate their cultures in their content, you know? And it's something I've been really mindful of too. So like my family, we're Latino and Black. So it's like been kind of cool to. experience both best of both worlds, if you will. And from the Latino side, we're Puerto Rican and Dominican. um And like, I felt so much shame not like it used to be my first language is all I used to speak. But then like, you know, you go to all white schools, and then you're bullied and like you're made fun of and, you know, poofy curly hair with freckles and like, you know, like, it just like always so different. um I just didn't wanna speak Spanish and I didn't wanna say it and I just felt so ashamed of it and I'm like, damn, now I'm like, damn, all I wanna do is speak Spanish but I feel like I've lost a lot of it. I understand and I can still speak it fluently but um there's a lot that I've lost of it. And so I'm like, okay, now that I'm in this content creator journey, can I be more intentional about integrating more of my Spanish culture or my Latino culture inside of... of my content, because I feel like what we were kind of talking about earlier, like that permission, like if someone sees us doing it, you know, it kind of gives them that permission to do it too. So just love how you're intentional about that. um And it's so beautiful and I love it. m also to speak on your point of being ashamed and like losing some sense of that, think a lot of people can relate to that. And I think just by you just saying that out loud, there are so many people who can relate to that and say like, I also was feeling that I was ashamed to like sort of admit that out loud. But now that I hear Mimi say that, like now I can move forward with my life knowing that I'm not the only one who was also ashamed of that, but I could move forward in like. not erasing that or fixing that time, but just like moving forward with more pride in who I was and my culture and my family. So I love that you're self-aware about that. think it's amazing. Well, that was the first time I said that out loud. So there you go online. So here we are. uh But I want to pivot just a little bit because I also want to be mindful of your time. But um just regarding the content journey, right. And like your creative pursuits, music, content, streaming, all of the different things that you do, um you've been able to travel to and do really dope things with your content like. you know, what's that experience been like and like, how would you kind of breathe life into other creatives, creatorpreneurs, founders, who are also kind of navigating caregiving or grief um and still having kind of the wherewithal to show up and create content and things like that. I think that'll be really helpful. Yeah, making videos has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I think I was inspired originally by my dad always having a camcorder in his hands at all times. And I think that's where my love for video came from. So when I started posting videos online, it was a struggle to be honest with you. It was a struggle in the sense of like these videos aren't doing what I thought they would. But on the flip side of that, I enjoyed it so much because I loved the process of creating the video. And I think that was the only thing that was sustaining me for all those years that nobody ever watched a video of mine. Like if you go back through all my old videos, like the only thing that was keeping me coming back to the platform was the fact that I just loved putting the video together, pressing export, and then uploading it. And so I guess I think everybody needs to find that anchor. in their creator journey, need to find that whether it's creating the video that you enjoy or it's the subject that you love speaking about or it's the, I don't know, whatever it is in your creator journey, you need to find the anchor. And I think the wrong anchor that people seem to try to hold on to in the beginning is the money aspect. Because if you are getting into any... ah any industry, any creative industry with thinking about money first, I think you're thinking about it incorrectly because there's not gonna be any money that comes from it from the very beginning. Sure, there are people, there are outliers that who right out the gate. God bless you for finding that lane. But I think for most of us, uh hitting upload on those first few YouTube videos or Instagram videos, like, it's gonna be a struggle in the beginning. And that's okay, because we've all gone through it. But that's how you refine your process. That's how you find your voice. And so I think I encourage everybody to find that anchor, whether it's through the process or maybe it's in some other aspect of the creative process. um I think just find that anchor. Luckily for me, it was in the process of just actually creating the videos, being in the video editor, being in Final Cut Pro, and stringing together the story. I was so fascinated by it. um And it's been a long, I mean, I've been making videos for the internet for 10 plus years now. I have a long, I've never like... deleted or privated a video and maybe that comes at my own downfall. I just keep it up because I want people to see like, yo, this guy has been around for a long time making all kinds of content. um So yeah. like big L's and like big W's that you experienced? Like big wins, big uh failures. Not failures, because I feel like learning is always, you you're always learning, but yeah. I think a huge win for me at the beginning of my uploading journey was those first couple comments that came in from people like when I made my first like music production tutorial online and I saw a comment like, wow, this unlocked so much for me. Like that is such a, that was such a high that I rode for a long time and I kept chasing that. because I saw that the thing that I created out of nothing is helping somebody in their own music journey. And it's something that I continue to do to this day. Like when I make pieces of content and I read comments of like, wow, this is like helping me so much in my life. That's what I'm going for. Like I'm in the business of service for other people. Yeah, sure. Like it's a creative journey, but I'm in service of other people. And that was such a huge win for me and a huge unlock. like knowing that and that's really when my content like took off was when I started making content that is in service to other people. The way that you do this podcast and you think about your community and all the people who are also grieving and experiencing all the things that you experienced. Like I thought about that when I was making these music production videos, like I'm helping out other music producers. So that was a huge win for me. And I love that you say that losses are not really losses. They're like learning lessons. um I think, I mean, something that I'm still trying to work through now is not. I guess leaning too heavy with either positive or negative comments, because I think going both ways can be your downfall, right? Like if all you read are positive comments, you kind of put yourself on this pedestal like, you know what, like I am the best. And I think there's some, it's valid to be that at sometimes, but if that's all you lean into. uh then I think you don't leave room for criticism or constructive criticism to grow. And if you lean too heavily into the negative comments, it could be to the point where you don't create anything because you're like, you know what, these people are right. My videos do suck. uh you start like internalizing. Yeah, yeah. I think at any point in a creator's journey, I think we're going to experience both. We're going to experience people saying negative things about us. That's just the way the world works. And we're also going to experience people saying positive things. But I think leaning too heavily into that and thinking that you are above everybody else could come with repercussions. So I think not leaning too far heavily into either side um is something that I'm still navigating all these years later, I'm still learning how to navigate both. That's real. Thank you for sharing. Yeah, I had like my first video go viral on YouTube a couple of weeks ago and it was stupid. I'm like, this is the video that goes viral out of all the other videos. But it happens like that. Right. And the video was like it was some audio track that was uh going viral on TikTok. It's like that was rude. That was really effing rude. Right. And so. I was like, okay, let me hop on this trend. So I had said like when you're dead birth father, you meet your dead birth father's family for the first time only for your grandfather to die from cancer. And then two months later, your aunt gets killed in a car accident. Right. Like it's just it's humor. Like I know it's not dark humor is not for everybody, but like sometimes that just gets me through. You know, it's like, oh yeah, that was pretty fucking rude. But anyway, didn't even perform well at all on TikTok, but like blew up on on YouTube was like two hundred forty six thousand views or whatever. But The comments, bro. was like, yo, YouTube comments can be so brutal. Like I've never, like TikTok, you know, here and there, Instagram here and there, but like YouTube, the comments can be so brutal. And I'm like, wow. But I was so proud of myself that I feel like when you move in your purpose and when you're just so like in tune to your own frequency, right? Not from like a goaded perspective of like I'm the best or like, know, like kind of what you're saying, like pedo still thinking whatever, but like. I just feel grounded in what I'm doing that I was able to read these comments. People were like, oh, did you ever think that maybe you're the reason that they died? No, but thank you for saying that. And then another person's like, maybe you're just a bad luck timer. like, you know, that has crossed my mind a couple times. But just not internalizing it, because I feel like when you have experienced grief, I feel like you've already experienced one of the worst things you're ever going to experience. So really just feel like a lot of stuff can't phase me. know, like granted, yeah, if I were to sit in there and really absorb it, yeah. But I just feel like mental health can be so fragile sometimes, especially when you're dealing with things that we're talking about. But if you have those buffers in place, if you have those grief homes in place, if you have your outlets, your people, your community, and your purpose, like I just feel like I'm unfuckwithable in some way. ah But on that too, right? Like I just feel like there's just like one of the things that always helped me and I'm really curious about your journey too, right? With creators, especially just starting now, I see a lot of them getting just caught up in the metrics. I don't think it's a bad thing to care about the metrics. At the end of the day, if it's gonna help you secure your bag, that's real. In this economy, like I feel that. I feel that now. And like I just became a recently like monetized creator on LinkedIn. And so like that's real, right? Like the metrics. do matter to a certain extent. um But for me, it's just data, right? It's just information to kind of move with that can help inform how you create content. Can you create better quality content? And you should always be in competition with yourself, no one else. Like, okay, this performed this way, how can I do a little bit better next time? um But I have to say something that's so real for me and... experiencing loss, think is a curse for sure. It was also a blessing in the sense of, it's just helped me not give meaning to things that a lot of people stress about. know, and like for me, like the worst thing already happened, you know, A and then B and I'm like, okay, if no one likes this post, which doesn't really happen now, like I get pretty decent engagement here and there, but. If no one engaged with this post or if this didn't go the way I was hoping it would. Listen, if I die tonight or tomorrow, I'm happy that my friends, my family, my community, they have something of me now. Like that to me means so much more to me. like, well, if it doesn't perform well, this for me, like I'm creating my legacy and like leaving something behind for my people. And like that is literally rooted in why I even created this this podcast in the first place, because I remember being a kid, I only had five photos of my father. Never heard his voice, never had a video, never had nothing. That was always ingrained in my brain. like, damn, I never even heard my dad's voice. I just wanted to, even though we have access to video and photo and all of these amazing tools, just to leave something behind is so beautiful. And I feel like I love now when people are... probably not the best at content creation, right? But they're putting themselves out there and they're recording videos and they're putting it on the internet and just having that courage. for me, that's the most beautiful thing you can do because no matter how it goes, how it lands, you're leaving something behind for your people. And yeah, so I don't know if you resonate with that or how do you navigate the whole metrics conversation? And you are a monetized creator, right? So kind of navigating that as well. Yeah, that's so, I think that's beautiful to have that perspective when posting content because you can get so, I mean, I'll speak for myself. I get so wrapped up even now, like if a post doesn't do well, whatever that means, like, I still sometimes get, get upset by that because you put so much effort into these videos and then you put it out and like, nobody's watching it. It's like, man, like, what am I really doing this for? But I think, and I know the right answer and sometimes we know all the right things, but we don't practice that in our life. Right. Like I know the right answer when posting these things is like if this is rooted in the purpose that I have uncovered for myself and if this is aligned with the mission who cares if like two people saw it who cares if three people saw it like I'm still operating in the way that I believe is the right way to be operating and it shouldn't like that shouldn't be Watered down by the fact that like wow. This is like a low performing video And something interesting about analytics and it's something that I've always had a discussion with, like a discussion around with my other creator friends is the one analytic or one of many analytics that don't get shown on any platform is depth. How, how deep did this content hit for somebody because I have seen so many different videos that have changed my perspective on things and I never interacted with it. Maybe I liked it, maybe I commented it, but more than likely I probably didn't interact with it at all. And I'm not included in their analytics, but it absolutely changed my life. It absolutely changed my perspective on things. And I think it's interesting to think if you are making a piece of content that you believe is going to help somebody and people see it, I would argue that there is probably going to be somebody that sees it that is going to have their life impacted because of that video. And they might have not commented on the video at all. As somebody who is encouraging my community to leave comments on videos, I don't even do that sometimes. So like, um I don't know, I think it's such an interesting way to look at content because if that's one part of your analytics that don't get shown and something that you really can't like... unless somebody sends you a message like, I love that video that you made. um I don't know, I think if you just think that this content is probably going to help somebody, I think that's a really strong anchor to keep yourself grounded in. Yeah, this content's gonna help somebody, whether or not it's a low performing video, it's probably gonna help somebody. um So it's an interesting thing to think about. It is. And one of the things too, so I have a friend named Colin Rocker. He's a he's a big creator on Instagram and on LinkedIn and TikTok, I would say, too. But he focuses on like career content for first generation folks. And he just had a webinar this past Sunday and he was talking about how how his experience has been like monetizing off of LinkedIn and like a lot of people sleep on LinkedIn, but it's definitely becoming a really top creator platform. And I love it. I've been on it for years. That's always been my platform of choice just because I felt like it was less superficial and just like real, you know, just like really reading long posts and like people's thought processes, you know, like I just was always fascinated with how that was. But I knew it was more than a job platform, but people only think it's a job platform, but it's not. And it's changing. But anyways, shameless LinkedIn plug. But um Colin frequently talks about ROE, return on engagement. Now part of that is definitely metrics, Like how many likes you're getting, comments, shares, whatever. But I think also part of that is things that aren't measured by brands, right? Like how many mentions did you get? Like how many tags or like whatever did you get in a post, DMs that came from it, or people like leaving meaningful comments like what you said, right? And I will always remember like with this podcast specifically, like I always use, and I still deal with this. uh thinking a little bit and it has been a struggle sometimes but I just always felt like damn like I know this is good like I know this podcast is good like I know it's it has depth it has it's it's it's meaningful it's purposeful but like a lot of people I feel like are not ready to talk about death they're not ready to talk about grief but like that was the thinking that would like stop me from you know showing up the way I wanted to now I have kind of worked through that and I'm still gonna show up regardless uh But it's comments like literally I had a pitch competition last summer. I won first place, which was like so wild to me. I was like, wow, like how did this happen? And right before the day before I had someone listen to my podcast episode and was like, this episode saved my life. I was thinking of taking my own life in this episode, preventing me from doing that. Like it's that, it's that. Like it's not, I'm not creating for everyone and I have to be okay with that. the right people are gonna find me because I have to keep showing up how I want to, doing the things that bring me joy, like living with my grief and my joy fully and not, you know, shrinking myself because other people are afraid to be themselves. Like that's not my problem. That's not my weight to carry. That's, yo, you got some things to work through. That's fine. Like, you know, like I need to show up in the way I need to. And so I've been kind of thinking a lot about that concept of return on engagement, you know, and just just moving. real, genuinely, moving authentically. So, yeah. That's so good, I love that. I guess to drive home the point that I was bringing up, like that person commenting that, imagine how many people felt the same way that have never said anything to you ever. um And I think we really, really underestimate impressions or views. Like we have so, we're so jaded, right? Like we forget how many people a hundred people is. We forget how many people 50 people is, right? And... I don't know, I just think like it's so interesting to think if you at least impacted one person in the way that that person left the comment on your video but have never said anything, wouldn't that be enough to continue posting? Wouldn't that be enough to continue doing podcasts with other guests? To me, I think it's clear like for sure, like if I could save one person's life with a post, how could I not continue to post? So. That's good. Yeah. I guess to take it a step further, like think about people who don't even engage with your content. um Yeah. Yes, the invisible metrics, which brand like companies, you know, they can't, it's hard to put money behind invisible metrics, but I think it's so real. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Wow, so good. I feel like I talk to you forever. So, well, what's something that you wish, know, what's something that's been on your heart, maybe that you haven't created a video on yet, or just something you've been really wanting to talk more about in your content that maybe you haven't yet that, like, for instance, like, there's this question I asked at a conference the other day. But it's like, what are the stories that we are afraid to tell that we haven't been able to lean into as much yet, right? And like, you're already so vulnerable and so open. Like, are there any stories that, you you hold as like too sacred to kind of lean into? Or are there stories that you've been wanting to share, but maybe have not been yet? Kind of talk to us a little bit about that. That's good. And I think um I want to try my best to make sure that it doesn't come across like I see this as my strength. But maybe some people see it as a strength. But I think I've just been so vulnerable and transparent on the internet, again, to my own downfall sometimes because sometimes I'll overshare with people. I'm just an open book with everybody that I meet and the content that I make that like. That's how I felt too. come back to like really bite me hard. um And I've had to have like conversations on the side with either my parents or my cousins like, hey, you we saw this piece of content that you made that we don't think is like, we don't know if you should be sharing that. um So there aren't any, like there isn't anything sacred really that I haven't spoken on, but something that's been on my heart A lot is. looking out for yourself and not in a way that is selfish, but in a way that's actually of service to other people. Because I think, uh and I'll just be candid, uh one of my parents, my mom actually just had, she went to the doctor recently and got her blood done and it shows that her cholesterol is higher than it should be, right? And it's not until people get these like, checks from the doctor that they then start looking out for their health. And I've just really been thinking a lot about like, if you care about the people that you love and the people that are in your life and your spouse, your cousins, your family, your parents, whoever it is that are in your life that you love, if you truly love these people, then you owe it to them to look after your health in whatever way that means for you, whether it's... being more active or just being more mindful of the things that you eat or even being more mindful of the things that you consume on the internet. Because I think that in itself could be, it could take a toll on your mental health. So like, I don't know, I've just been thinking a lot about like, taking care of yourself isn't selfish, it's actually an act of love for the people that you love. Because if you're taking care of yourself, that means you can show up better for your parents, you can show up better for your spouse, you can show up better for the people that you serve, because you're coming from a good place. I think that's why people who leave negative comments are always, I'm just gonna make an assumption here, they're always coming from a negative place. To leave a negative comment on a video means you're not really doing the best. You took the time to say that. So you must be going through it. And so that's something that's been on my heart recently is just like really taking care of myself because it's actually an act of love for the people that I love. That's so real. you ever hear like it's such a flex when people are like, oh, I'll die for my family. I'll take a shot for you. But like, I don't want you to die for me. I want you to live for me. Like live for me. You know, it's so real, though, you know, like I'm not gonna lie. I used to be one of those people like, man, like, especially now, like I will take a bullet for anyone on my people. But like, OK, OK, that's cool. Thank you. I love you. Thank you for that. But what are you doing to live for me? What are you doing to live for yourself? You know, like, and we only do have this one life, like, before, and I still kind of struggle with it a little bit, but like, just with so much loss that I've had, like, I do feel like I run out of time sometimes. Like, I just feel like there's so much I want to do in such a short amount of time. Like, I'm just on this, like, time clock, if you will. I mean, it's real, right? Because anything can happen at literally any moment. So that's still top of mind for me, but I feel like now I've kind of just reframed that into being like, you know what, with the time that I do have, right, I wanna live like it's a privilege. I wanna live life fully in whatever way that looks like for me. And for me, that's creating content every day and genuine content that I wanna create. It's being with other Grievers. You know, making coffee now is like a new thing that I like to do. Just being with my people, making music. love I'm about to learn DJing because I have like a hundred and seventy something playlist. I'm like, OK, it's time. It's time to turn this into this hobby. you know, just like trying different things and being happy and like just following this this this compass of joy, I guess, if that makes sense and like literally letting that guide my path. Being healthy, taking my seam off every single day, walking. I've been walking four miles a day, I'm trying to get better into the gym and just living presently in whatever way that looks like for me, right? And so it's so real. Let's live for ourselves, let's live for each other, right? And we only have one life. Yeah. the reframe of like, hey, I love that you would die for me, but like, it would be even better if you've lived for me because I'd prefer if you just didn't like, you know, I'd prefer if you were around. die. Literally. man. Okay. Well, is there anything else that you would like to just share, you know, with everyone listening in, maybe grievers for the first time, Creatorpreneurs, like whatever, whatever's on your heart, something I didn't get to ask you that you want to share. uh ah Well first, I would love to speak on the thing that I said that I'm trying to do more of, which is giving people their flowers. And I would love to give you some encouragement of like, I love that you're doing this podcast and I love that you're taking time and energy. Because this takes all of this, like hopping on here, like finding a guest, like scheduling, like this takes effort. Like people just see the finished product, right? Like we just see the video that happens to be on LinkedIn or like YouTube or like. wherever these get shared, people just see the final product, but they don't see all the backend work of working out a schedule, which is a whole thing in itself. That takes some time to go back and forth with somebody to find time. So I would love to just give you some encouragement that I am so happy that you're doing this and that you're speaking to this community and that you're continuing to talk about grief. It's funny to say normalizing grief, but like... It's such a prevalent thing and it's gonna be a prevalent thing in everyone's life whether they want to be a part of this club or not. Right. I think you're doing such great work with this that, uh people on the other side of it, whether they leave comments or not, I would take the bet that you're saving so many people's lives and that you're helping so many people in their journey, whether they're saying it to you or not. And so I just wanna give you some encouragement for, stay on this path. And I love that you're rooted in purpose and that you're trying to help out your community and other people who are going through it because I just think it's so beautiful. It's so beautiful to be doing the things that you're doing and I see you. I don't see everything that you're doing, but I at least know the little things that you do to make things like this happen. And so I'll be rooting for you. I'm gonna cry about that later after I journal. um Thank you. It literally means everything. It literally means everything. um LinkedIn is becoming, I mean, even me, don't know, right? So I love that you're on LinkedIn and trying to reframe it from like, this is all business. you're trying to add a fresh perspective to it, which I love. I love that. mean, you know, you got to learn from I mean, learn from you learning from creators who are just like unapologetically bold and sharing their story. And like, I just feel like there's there's so much power and so much community connection. There's so much good in sharing our story. Like I don't I mean, I can say nothing bad has happened for me during my story. But, you know, like it's just when you lead with vulnerability and you lead with just being authentic, which that word is thrown a lot around. But like, I'm just being so real about it. Like lean more into your story. Like your message is in your mess. This is in the first four letters of message. Your message is in your mess and like really learning to alchemize that, the pain into purpose. And it doesn't always have to be that way, right? Like not everyone is supposed to have this like grandiose purpose in life, but. If you can find purpose in living and showing up presently, right? And learning to alchemize some of the challenges that you've been having, like, that's so good. That's so, good. And you get to learn from folks like Chris, folks like me, other creatorpreneurs. Yeah, but Chris, I am so honored to have you on the show. So honored to learn more about your story, your grandmother, and kind of like the behind the scenes that maybe people don't really know. Yeah, I'd be honored to have you again one day, maybe in person. Like one of the goals I have with the show is to definitely bring it in person one day. But I think it's really cool to not be bounded by like location and be able to do it virtually and like meet people all over the world, essentially. But what an honor it was to have you on the show and to learn more about you, your story. I'm so excited for you and your journey. It's so awesome to be in your life. uh yeah, just to do this was truly a gift. So thank you. Thank you for that. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. I hope we can do it in person next time and I'll take you up on that offer for checking out the restaurant and the cafe. I won't forget about that. You mentioned food and like my, you know, my heart was singing ever since you mentioned that. So I hope we can do this again. love it. All right. Thank you, everyone. And thank you, everyone who tuned in. Please let us know your comments, what you thought about it. Subscribe to grief sense. We're also on Instagram and on TikTok. So definitely follow along and definitely follow Chris if you haven't already like join his six million community across socials. You will not be disappointed. All right. Gracias, familia. I will see you on the next episode.