griefsense with Mimi Gonzalez

Tatiana Banks on: being a young widow and finding love after loss

August 08, 2024 • Mimi Gonzalez • Season 2 • Episode 25

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Hey griefsense familia! It's Mimi Gonzalez here, your host and the Zillennial Griever. In today’s episode, I’m joined by Tatiana Banks, a young widow who’s been finding her way through grief while raising her kids and falling in love again. 

Tatiana will share with us how she keeps the memory of her late husband alive, the day-to-day of dealing with grief, and how she’s connected with others through her stories after going viral on TikTok. It’s about the raw, unfiltered experiences that many of us go through but don’t always talk about.

So make yourself comfy, like you’re in your living room—or as we say in Spanish, in the sala—but this is the grief sala. Whether you’ve got your tea or a cafecito in hand, I want you to feel like you’re just chatting with close friends or family who really understand what it’s like.

We’re here to unpack all this together, explore what it means to support each other, and find those moments of joy amidst the pain. Let’s dive into this conversation with Tatiana be intentional as we sit with our grief, together. 

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Mimi Gonzalez:

You're listening to season two of the grief sense podcast. I'm your host Mimi Gonzalez, AKA the Zillennial Griever. I am a creative entrepreneur, social impact strategist and community organizer based in Hartford, Connecticut. But most importantly, I am a Griever. griefsense is really a safe space for creatives who are grievers, and I really created this space because it's something I wish I had. And sometimes you have to create the things that you wish existed. I am a serial griever, where I've experienced significant loss, losing about 20 people before I turned 25 years old, and it was really hard to find community, people who look like me. In the death positive movement space. On the show, you'll mainly hear from Gen Z and millennial minoritized grievers, but you'll also have some advocates on the show who share our experience, but also want to amplify our voices and our stories. So what is grief sense? What, what does that even mean? Right? It's not just some fancy name of a brand or the podcast. Okay. It's actually a term that I've coined to name my experience. Sometimes the words So griefsense to me really is an inner sixth sense and intuition that's unlocked after experiencing physical loss and it inspires purpose through it. Creative expression. Hence, grievers who are creatives. So we do this in three ways. One, we embrace our mantra, which is we live life as a privilege. Two, We honor our ancestors and the legacies of our loved ones who have died. And three, we not only normalize talking about grief and death and everything in between, but we really talk about the importance of planning for our death and talking about this in community with our families. What are our death care wishes, you know, and really normalizing that because that is not something that. We typically do in our very death phobic world. I hope that when you tune into these episodes that you feel super comfortable. I want you to think that you are in a living room or in Spanish, we say the sala, but the grief sala, and I hope that you're able to have. Tea in your hand or a cafecito so that way you're comfortable. I want you to feel like you're talking to your best friends or your primos or your cousins, people who really understand you and get it. And if you are not a griever, and if you are here to learn and listen to the stories that are shared on the show, thank you so much for being here. Your voice is important too, because guess what? If you're not a griever now, unfortunately you will be one day. And I'm hoping that the insights that you hear on the show will help you navigate that experience. one thing I wanted to also share y'all griefsense is always going to be lowercase because death, grief, all of that, it can be really scary. So these conversations is to really de stigmatize death and grief and really making sure it's like relatable, digestible, accessible, and yeah, it can be scary for sure, but let's do it together. Let's be in community together. So with that. Welcome to the movement. Welcome to La Familia and welcome to griefsense. Let's dive in. What's good griefsense familia, we are back with another episode. And y'all I just, I can't every, every time we have a new episode, I just keep meeting the most amazing, beautiful souls that enter my life. And Literally, if we've never experienced our losses, we would have never met each other. I mean, I'm pretty sure we would be grateful without the losses, but still grateful about meeting these amazing people. And the beautiful soul that I have joining us here today is Tatiana Banks, and I'm going to actually have her introduce herself and we're going to jump in. But I just know that our conversation is going to touch a lot of hearts today. Um, and I just, I feel connected to her so much and I know you will too. So take it away.

Tatiana Banks:

Hi guys. My name is Tatiana Banks. Um, I'm from Las Vegas, Nevada. I am a young widow and a mom of two. Um, I currently run and own a childcare business. Keeps me business busy on top of my own kids. Um, and yeah, I just, I'm here to, Share my story, teach other people about grief. Cause it just seems, I know it's not anything I knew anything about. Um, and I just want to help the world understand it a little bit more.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Beautiful. Well, that was perfectly put. Um, and that's really what this platform is about, right? Like, it's so wild to me how death is the number one, like, inevitable reality we're all going to face, but we don't talk about it. Literally. The math will never matter. It's not. Never. So, and I just also want to say how, you know, we got acquainted, so. And it's just really the power of social media and like, On the podcast so far, I've really been like shouting out LinkedIn, but to be honest, TikTok is kind of neck and neck with LinkedIn for me these days. I've been really putting a lot more energy and intention into TikTok. I just feel like I'm meeting quality people. Hello, Exhibit A. Um, and I posted a video. I forgot, I think it said, when you're, when you're a grief content creator, And your grief gets in the way of creating content. Yeah. She found me like, I'm just, okay. I'm not even gonna lie y'all that video. That was a draft from like November of last year. And I was just like, I just need to get content out there because it's been a little while. I'm kind of slacking. There's a whole bunch of things going on in my life right now. Let me release something in the drafts. And if I never did that, like you would have never commented. And yeah, so

Tatiana Banks:

the importance of releasing those drafts.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Yes. And like, just put your content out there. And of course, what do you do when someone comments, you go to their profile and I go to her profile. I'm like, Oh, okay. I need to have her on, uh, not only am I going to have her on the podcast, hopefully that she's going to accept that request, but like, is she taking new bestie applications because I got you, so shout out to my new bestie. But all right, y'all let's let's let's dive in let's dive in so Tatiana I would love like I would love to know who would you like to call into our space today? Who are we honoring?

Tatiana Banks:

We are honoring my late husband Daniel Banks.

Mimi Gonzalez:

So I would like to hold a deep breath together Usually I do like the box of breathing method. So we'll Breathe in for four, we'll hold for four, and then exhale for four, and then throughout the show, like if there's something really deep, you know, we, we won't, we gonna hold another breath. We gonna hold some more space. Okay. So, all right, let's inhale for four. I am honored to amplify Daniel today and your story and for the world. To know him. Um, so with that, as much or as little as you'd like to share, can you please share your grief story with us?

Tatiana Banks:

Absolutely. Um, so where do you even start? Um, well, I guess the easiest version, um, my husband, uh, went to work and Didn't come back home. Um, you know, it's like a normal day. We'd get up in the morning. We were up a little earlier than normal that day, a lot earlier. Um, and we were in bed watching TikToks, you know, and even to this day, I go back to the TikToks we were sending to each other, literally laying next to one another. Um, And, uh, he wasn't feeling well. He was like super congested, but he's like, Oh, it's my allergies. And I'm kind of like a really tough, right? So I normally would tell him any other time, like, you won't get through that. You won't go to work. But that day I was like, If you're not feeling good, babe, like, just stay home, like, we don't got nothin you know, whatever. And he was like, no, he was like, I really wanna buy a new TV. And I was like, okay. So he was like, I'm just gonna go in, I'll work like a half day, and blah blah blah, and we're good. And so I was like, okay. So, then Um, he went to work fine, no problem. Um, and then he texted me around 7. 30 in the morning. And he was like, um, they're switching my location. And I was like, what do you mean they're switching your location? Um, cause he was on the strip, so he was a roofer, and he was on the strip, and he was fixing that, and then, um, they were, he was like, they switched me to somewhere kind of like, out of parameters, but they got paid more money. And I was like, uh, okay, well, just Keep me updated, right? There was never an update after that. Um, and so, you know, I kind of tried to go throughout the day with our toddler, just being normal. And, um, but something felt odd, and I couldn't explain it. And so, like, I started texting him, I want to say at, like, 10am, because that's when he was like He would have either been done or if he decided to work a full day, he'd take a break. And I had a really good husband. So like he always called me every break, text me, you know? So the day goes on radio silence and I'm like, okay, all right. And I'm starting to freak out, but I'm trying not to freak out too much. So around, um, what would have been the end of his workday, I did call his job and I was like, Hey, um, is Daniel there? And they were like, Oh no, well he didn't report. And I was like, what do you mean he didn't report? I don't make no, okay. I was like, all right. So I just clicked. Right. And so then I tried to rationalize. I was like, maybe he had a bad day at work. Maybe something happened and he just left. I don't know. Right. Cause there's so many possibilities. So, you know, the day keeps going on, typing keeps going on, I checked for accidents, um, our car was not anywhere, you know, on the news or anything, um, I checked the jails, I called hospitals, nothing. So I'm like, okay. So finally, I was like, all right, it's literally 5 p. m. and I'm This isn't normal. It's not okay. And I'm meanwhile, I'm still texting him. Like, are you okay? I just want you home, whatever it is, we'll figure it out. And, um, so finally I called my dad. Uh, my dad used to be in law enforcement and I was like, Hey. Um, I've been like trying to hold this in all day, but um, like I haven't heard from Daniel. Have you? Um, can you help me? I've called. I've checked. I've done my due diligence. And he was like, yeah. Uh, he's like, just give me a minute and I'll see what I can find out if I find out anything or get ahold of him. And I was like, okay, cool. Um, so then I head into my therapy session that I had, you know, and I'm telling her and I'm like, you know, something just doesn't feel right. And I don't know how to explain it. And she's like, it's, everything's fine. He probably is just having a rough day or whatever. And I'm like, Yeah, no, I, I, I understand. But that's also my husband, like something's not right, you know? And, um, I get off the phone and literally right after I get out of that session, um, there's a knock at the door. And so I go to the door and it's my dad and I was like, Hey, and I see my mom, like standing right behind him, like just, and I looked at him and like, you know, my dad's a really like stuffed stern dude, you know, and he was just like, I'm so sorry, baby. And I was like, no. And, um, I was like, he's okay, right? He was like, he's gone, baby. I'm sorry. And I was like, um, um, so at that time I like, fell to my knees and like, my son's looking at me like, uh, you alright, lady? You know? And like, even trying to process something like that is, I don't know. Um, so, yeah, and that was pretty much the day that literally changed every aspect of my life. Um. Shortly after that, um, he was involved in a head on collision, um, literally about a minute and a half from his job site. Um, so he didn't fully make it in. Um, uh, he died at 8. 30 in the morning. Um, I was never notified by anybody, law enforcement, nobody. Um, and I know a lot of people have had questions, well how did your dad find out, things like that. I still to this day have no clue, we've never actually had that conversation. Um, and yeah. So, yeah, and then um, after that was kind of just a blur and trying to figure out how to Planned a funeral and, you know, I wanted it done as quick as possible, because in my mind just getting things done is how I operate, so it's the only way I knew how to respond. Um, so we had the funeral, and then Two weeks after that, I found out I was pregnant with our second child and here we are. Yeah. Yeah.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. And, you know, on this platform, I'm very mindful of, of that question. What, what is your grief story? Right. I'm very mindful of that because I feel that when you're talking to a friend, acquaintance, someone at work, or like just any other person, right? Who doesn't really know grief or can relate to your grief when they ask you, what's your grief story? It's like, they want to know how and when and all the details like, what are you doing to support me? Like, All, like, all you need to know is they died and we gon we, um, struggling and we gon keep it going. Right? Right. Right. But I just, I just want you to know that I'm really grateful for you taking the time to one, be on this platform, two, sharing your story, and three, for, for sharing your, your grief story with us because, you know, and especially after I found your page and, you know, got to watch some of your videos. I just felt instantly connected with you, instantly connected with you. Um, and I just, I just can't imagine like that is a pain that is different than losing a parent, than losing a child, than losing a, a, a grandparent, a friend that's your partner in this life. That's just a completely different grief. Um, so I just want to recognize and acknowledge that.

Tatiana Banks:

Thank you. And this is why you're amazing.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Thank you. You know, and, and I've shared with you, right? Like I've experienced so many losses, um, lost a parent, lost a grandparent, lost a godparents, lost my cousins, lost my friends, but it's not comparable to losing your partner. And I feel like I know this grief vicariously only because, you know, my mom lost her partner in this life, my father. And I think that's why I feel so connected with you. Um, just seeing my mom still be the best mom that she knew how and knows how, considering the deck of cards she was dealt, and still finding a way to smile and still finding ways to be creative and finding ways to have her own business and being a mom to other children and I just think you're incredible and I'm so happy you didn't give up even though I'm sure there are times that you want to. Thank you for not giving up. Wow. Well, I also see on your page, and I'm sure people ask you all the time, right? You have found love again after Daniel's passing. And, um, can you talk to us a little bit about that? How's that experience been, you know, while still grieving and raising children and finding love and still trying to make sense of life?

Tatiana Banks:

Yeah, absolutely. That's probably my, uh, I guess. favorite part, right? Because it's like your, your triumph or whatever. Um, so after Daniel died, I was like, I'm good. I'm never going to date again. I'm never going to love again. Um, but at that point, after I had given birth to our second child, I had my tubes removed. So that means I can no longer have children because that's how out of it I was. Um, and then about a year and a half, almost two, um, And I'm just scrolling through TikTok, right? Kind of like with you. The beauty of social media. And, you know, and it's not like guys weren't interested or wanted to, but I was like, yeah, no, I'm okay. You're not, you're not anything anywhere near what we would even need. So I'm okay. Um, so I'm just scrolling on TikTok and, you know, there's this guy, he's cute and I'm like, okay. So I just liked it and then I commented on this little video and you know, he responded. And then after that, uh, we started following each other on Instagram and we just were really cool. Like just honestly, really good friends. Like there was never any, anything extra just besides friendship. Um, and this wonderful human being's name is Robert. And, um, yeah, he, yeah. It changed my life in a different way, you know, um, I ended up going to Florida and we ended up meeting in person and hanging out and it was literally instant and just certain things about him. Um, I was like, and things he said, um, would only be things and I'll, I'll put this on everything I love that my husband would know, like only, and he did and said these things. And I was like, All right, what is this? What are you? Who are you? What are you? You know, he has two kids as well and, um, something I personally before loss, um, thought, never thought I would ever engage in, um, and then with me being a widow, I thought, He wouldn't want to engage in anything more than friendship with me. Um, was totally wrong. Um, and we, we realized very quickly on that we loved each other and I was just like, Whoa, how is this happening? Cause I went from never again to what's going on because it felt so familiar. If that makes any sense. And, um, you know, here we are today. Uh, we, you know, I gave him a timeline. I was like, if you're serious about this, me and these kids and this life and what I come with, you know, I, I don't play house. You gotta make me a girlfriend. You gotta make me a wife. And, you know, and he was just like, that's not a, you know, that's not a problem. And I was like, oh, okay. Um, all right. Um, And then the next thing I knew I was a fiancé and I was like, what is going on, you know, and in the midst of my grief, you know, it was a lot, um, because I'm mourning certain situations while also feeling extremely joyous because during this time period I've been I've just been in constant survival mode, you know, just making sure home's taken care of and my boys are taken care of. And to have someone come in and be like, okay, but are you okay? You know, I, I didn't, I didn't have that after Daniel died, you know, no one was like, but are you good? Like, can I take care of you? And that's exactly how my late husband was. He was such a, I don't care about anyone else, everything else. Are you okay? You know? He has not fallen short of that since. He is loved on my boys like no other. Something I never even fathomed was possible. And they love him like it's their dad, you know, and with my oldest we've had conversations and he was like, well, he is like my dad, mom. And I was like, you know, you don't have to feel or call or anything like that. And he's like, I know mom. I just, I like, I like that I have two dads. Oh, okay. Um, all right. And he's like, yeah, I have my daddy in heaven and then I have my daddy Robert here. And I'm like, yeah, um, so yeah, honestly, it's all just been a true blessing, you know, and my late husband knew me and, and, As much as I know that I'm strong and capable and competent to do this life, um, I needed Robert in, in many ways, um, just the same way as I still need Daniel. And I just, I get to still hold on to those things, you know, while having someone else still love me too, you know, physically. Um, so yeah, it's been really great. It's been quite an experience. I will say a lot of people have a lot of, Opinions about things, you know, um, you, you didn't grieve long enough. You grieve too short, too long, whatever. How you'll never make anyone happy, you know? Um, but yeah, we're here thriving. Everyone's happy. I'm very much in love. Um, he very much still helps me honor Daniel. He is all for Daniel. And that's literally the biggest blessing ever because I don't have to tone down a thing, you know? And he's just there.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Well, thank you for sharing. And also, yeah, everyone doesn't matter. Right? Like, O. P. O. Other people's opinions. They literally do not matter. They're not living your life. You don't owe explanations to anybody. And like you mentioned, like, grief, especially when it's so fresh. It can be so lonely and so isolating and to have someone finally come out the, out the woodwork and basically be like, how are you? That is a gift that you, you know, the gift that keeps on giving. If you have that, you hold on to it. Um, and yeah, I, I get it. You don't have to explain yourself to anybody. If anything, what an amazing person and soul he must have to be able to honor and like to sit with you in your grief. It's still fresh, right? How, three, three, three years now, it's been three years, like for someone to sit that and, and, you know, walk alongside you and find ways to honor him. That is huge because I feel like a lot of men struggle with like, their egos are too big and they, they would feel incompetent or like have some resentment and like, you can't have that when it's grief because it's not personal. It has nothing to do with you. But if you're able to separate that and still love me wholly, winning.

Tatiana Banks:

Exactly. And, and there was, there's, there are a ton of men on this earth who, if that is infathomable, impossible, they could never, you know, I, before Robert, obviously, like I, I attempted to do my talking and my, you know, and everyone's response pretty much was, oh, but you've got kids and, Their dad's dead. Yes. Um, or so like, how long are you going to keep photos up or are you going to, does this happen? I'm like, I'm okay. Thanks. I'm all right. Thanks. I appreciate it. So, yeah.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Well, so what are the ways that you, that you both still honor Daniel? Like what are, you know, how do you find yourself honoring him every day?

Tatiana Banks:

I think the biggest thing, which is, Something that, you know, social media won't understand or know and things like that. Um, and I don't think I've actually ever like said this out loud, so excuse me if I cry. That's okay girl, cry. Um, honestly, we honor him every day by doing this, by doing life, by me choosing to love this man and him loving me and our kids and this family. That's truly what he would want, you know, he wouldn't want me to be. Alone and sad and all the things his goal literally when we first met when we were 15, he was like, I just want to see you happy, Tati. I want to see you thriving in this life. And he kept that even while we were married, you know? Um, so I would say that's the biggest way, right? Um, and then obviously we have photos up. We talk about him Literally every day. Um, just between memories. My oldest talks about him a lot. Um, and uh, yeah, just the boys like their Playstation is actually Daniel's, you know, but Robert set it up for them. You know, um, just things like that. We watch videos, photos, we talk about stories where this came from, why, you know, so just really daily things. He's like still, still a part of all of us and even Robert and he never even knew him, you know. Yeah,

Mimi Gonzalez:

I just uh, it's so beautiful. Like I, I can't say it enough and I'm getting emotional now. I just can't say enough how grateful I am that I met you because it's just refreshing and it's so validating. When people are doing what you do on a day to day basis, but like, you don't really have a lot of people to talk about it with. And you meet someone on the other side of the country that does that every day. And, um, I talk to my daddy daily. I'll be like, Papi, like So, I actually have to I think you would appreciate this quick story time. Um, last weekend was actually a really wild weekend for me because so my cousin, she has this, uh, she's starting like a new, um, mobile coffee bar. She has like this trailer and she's turning. Yeah, it's so dope. Like it's, I'm so proud of her. And we got to work this festival in New Haven, Connecticut. And, um, I was working the festival all day with her making coffee. I learned how to make a coquito latte. Like, where'd they do that at? I made a coquito latte. Okay. And, you know, I had the best time. But two days prior, my best friend, her grandfather, you know, has been in the hospital and hasn't been doing well. And so, we were talking that, you know, we might see each other either at the festival, after the festival, and she actually told me he had went into cardiac arrest and that she was on her way. Um, closer to Hartford, where I, where I live. Okay, she never texts me back. She never called me back. And you know, you just know. And clearly you know. You just have that sense. And, um, which I call griefsense, by the way. And, uh, I left the festival early. I was like, something's telling me I'm gonna show up to the hospital. Girl, I don't even know how, how I knew where to go. Like, the guy at the, um, at the front desk at the hospital, like, he was kind of giving me a hard time. I just kind of walked by and was like, oh, let's go to the bathroom. I don't know how I knew where to go because, um, Her grandfather wasn't in the place that we were a few days prior. I end up in critical care, um, where his body was. I get to this lobby, the phone rings as if they're waiting for me, and they let me in. Sure enough, I get down the hallway. My best friend, her whole family's in the, in the room, and her grandfather died, and he, he passed away. And it was like, I hated that I knew that that was happening subconsciously. But what was so wild about that experience is walking in, the nurse, like literally just got there, the nurse is handing out, um, his heartbeat pattern in like a little tube, a little vial, and passing it out to all the family members. And she passes one to his wife, um, and this, the howl and the scream that she let out. And she looked at him and she's just like wiping, you know, his hair. Como es posible? Como es posible? Like just saying how is this possible? What is happening? Saying she wanted to give up. She didn't want to be here. And then I, I instantly thought about you, because that's when we, we connected. I thought about my mom and her, you know, losing her partner, like, all my just, and then my best friend, she's expecting a baby, I look at, I look at her and her partner, all, and then of course I think of my Willie, my partner, and I'm like, oh my gosh, like, I just, My heart just broke and so it gets crazier. Um, I sat with the family for a little bit, you know, and then we were wrapping up to leave. I'm still like crying leaving the hospital. Um, get in the car. My, I just recently met my father, my birth father's family, by the way, a couple months ago. Just met them for the first time. Found out my abuelo's dying and I'm like, how you just come into my life and you're dying? So I'm dealing with all of that. It's crazy. But on this family, like, uh, I get this call. It's like an invite to join like a big, uh, family group chat, uh, FaceTime call on Facebook messenger. And my family, my aunts, my uncles, like literally apparently my grandfather has 13 kids and counting cause more keep popping up and popping up. And long story short, people are talking in this, the group chat. And I hear one of my aunts that who I literally just met two weeks prior on like texting. Um, she says she's in Plainville, Plainville. And I was like, Titi, like, as in Plainville, Connecticut? And she goes, yeah, yeah, I'm in Plainville. I said, girl, you don't send me the Addy right now. And long story short, sent me the Addy. I pulled up and apparently her mom's been living like literally eight minutes away from my house this entire time, but whatever. Um, and I pulled up to the house and I met my aunt for the first time, my father's sister, and like she, and she was, she instantly, like when she saw me, she instantly started crying. And she was like, literally, I knew your mom was pregnant of you, but you're, you know, well, I was eight months when my dad passed away, but she didn't go to the funeral because she was very upset with him because he was, you know, in the street life and told him not to be on the motorcycle anymore. And our cousin died a month prior to my father the same exact way. And then he died a month later. And so she had a lot of grief and, you know, resentment, you know, everybody deals with grief differently, but she moved away from the family. So it's been like 30 years since she's spoken to anybody, nothing. And then I'm like her first, you know, memory of like my dad. So we chill there. We're talking blah, blah, blah, blah. Next day I take her to the cemetery to see my father's grave for the first time. And it was like, It was so wild to me because it was like seeing her, like I knew the perspective of losing my father, but I never thought to think about it from a sibling's perspective, you know, and she's seeing, it was like, she got the news fresh for the first time and we got to sit at the cemetery. We got to talk to him and we got to cry together and it was such a beautiful, painful experience. But that was my Saturday and Sunday.

Tatiana Banks:

That's a Saturday and Sunday.

Mimi Gonzalez:

I see this woman lose the love of her life. And also, Sunday morning, by the way, I told Willie, I was like, you cannot leave. And like, I just cried. And when you were talking about Robert, like, cause I've been in a really tough, griefy, Griefy ass season lately. Like, dad's anniversary is around this time, my abuelo's dying, my grandfather's, my other grandfather's birthday just passed. It's just like so much grief around this time. And like, he just sat with me and cried. I was like, yo, I'm about to bring my aunt to meet her brother's, like his grave for the first time. Like, it's too much. And he sat there and we cried and you were on my mind, like, and then now we're recording today. It's just crazy. Like, I just feel like I had to share that story. But that. I love it. Yeah. So thanks for listening. No. You're such a beautiful person. And I, I think. I'm so grateful that I came across you and your page because literally my mouth dropped when I literally went through every I was like, somebody in this world is awesome and understands this and is actually doing something, you know? And You know, then I got nosy and I started going through things and I was like, I just love this girl. I, I am. I'm a bit of a lurker. I gotta, I have to find out things, you know, yeah, so I just, and I appreciate you so much for having something like this. I think it's amazing and I can, I just see you doing so many great things. And you're going to be right there with me the whole way, like, you know, and yes, but thank you for saying that. You don't know how life affirming that is, because when you know grief, You know, there's so many times when you want to give up and and it's not even sometimes It's not even like you're thinking about it, right? It's like these intrusive thoughts just come out of nowhere. Like you could be minding your own damn business, working, talking to your friend, having a good time, chilling with your kids. I'm chilling with my siblings, like watching a movie, like whatever. And then these intrusive thoughts come in like, oh, I don't want to be here. You start just thinking really dark and like really negative, you know, and Working in corporate for a while, that's where I spent a lot of my time before I decided to leave corporate, like, I just really could not understand how, you know, someone's world stopped and the world just keeps spinning and it keeps going and it keeps going and it's like people check on you, you know, at the funeral, leading up to the funeral, maybe a little bit after the funeral, but then after that, oh, they're strong. They're fine, you know, and that's kind of who I am like in my family and my friends. I am the strong one I'm always checking on other people I'm not saying my people don't check up on me But they're used to me being the super strong resilient one and I'm not gonna lie. I got that show. I got it I'm good, you know, whatever. Yeah, it's the heart. It's the strongest ones. I really need The most support, but I was working. I was like, yo, like, this just doesn't make sense to me. These people got a nine to five job doing the day to day mundane stuff. And I, I mean, I was doing it too, but I just, I couldn't do it anymore. I was just like, yo, like there's something deeper happening here. Like you go on about your day to day and your day could, this could be your last day, this could be my last day seeing my partner. This could be my last day seeing my mom, my family members. And you just gonna act like life is all normal? Like, no. And so, that's really why I dedicated literally my life to talking about this. Because, I'll be damned. Like, I'll, I'll be damned. Like, if I die tomorrow or whenever my time comes, I'll be honest with you, I, I feel like I will die peacefully and with nothing but gratitude in my heart because I know that I did everything I could until my last breath to raise awareness about this, about what we're talking about. And that's all that matters to me. Easy.

Tatiana Banks:

And you're doing it. Yeah. And I'm so proud of you.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Well, you're also doing it and I want to talk to you about that. So after, you know, sharing your story, your story went viral on TikTok. How was that experience? Where do you kind of see things going, um, after going viral and your platform is growing and you probably would have never thought you went, you would go viral for this, but here we are. Right? I can only imagine.

Tatiana Banks:

No. Um, so it's funny you said that, right? So I had started TikTok literally right before my husband died, right?

Mimi Gonzalez:

Get out.

Tatiana Banks:

And, yes, and I told, he was like, Babe, you're gonna become, you're gonna become something, I see it on TikTok, I know. And I was like, yeah, it's just not the numbers, the math is not mathing, okay? So as far as I know, um, I'm just a nobody on TikTok. But you know, I still, whatever. Uh, nothing really changed. You know, and, uh, then he died. And, uh, you know, I, I, after a certain point, um, I think it was right after I had our second, our youngest baby, I started to like post on TikTok about grief, um, cause that, you know, not only did I have grief from my husband dying, but I'm also now pregnant. So all these hormones and feelings and stuff just weren't, uh, it was a lot. And so, you know, once he was out of me and stuff, uh, and I felt quote unquote more normal, um, I started to share things about my grief and it was more so for me because I didn't have really anyone who was, you know, like you said, checking on me, talking to me like that, that could even semi understand. So it was more for me to just be like, damn, you know? And so I, I, I kept doing it. And then, um, you know, I had gained some, I've gotten some, you know, followers and traction and whatnot. Um, but I had never talked about the day that he died with anybody. And For his three year, I was like, what am I going to do? Uh, side note. So one of the things he really wanted to do before he died was skydive. He was like an adventure dude, like complete opposite of me. I don't, I was like, no. Um, so after he died, I was like, dang it. I think I got a skydive, like, to, like, honor you or something. Ha ha! And, uh, I did! I did! So, I skydive every year on his death anniversary and I jump at his time of death. And this year, so happened, that I could not jump because in Las Vegas, out of nowhere, it decided to get windy in April. And I was like, hmm. So, right. So I was like, okay. So I messaged, um, the person I jump with. He's the instructor. And he's like, yeah, we can't, we can't jump today, Tatia. I'm sorry. And I'm like, okay. okayyy what am I going to do? So I was like, all right, uh, I'm going to talk about him. How, what am I going to talk about? That's what I decided to do. And I was like, you know what? You've never talked with anyone about the day that he died. And so I recorded the video. I honest to God, handle on a Bible did not think that video was going to go viral like it did. And. It did. It went very viral. 4 million, right? Yeah. And I got a lot of attention and a lot of traction. Um, Obviously, not everything is great in social media and people are people. So, there was always, there's always comments Well, why didn't you call him and why weren't you blowing up his employers? I am his wife, not his, I'm not his mama. Okay? He, you're working at his job. This is not abnormal. And, you know, other people asking very valid questions. Well, how come law enforcement didn't notify you? How come, you know, this, your guess is just as good as mine. Cause I'm three years out and I still don't have these answers. Um, yeah. Um, but you know, for the most part, I, it, it really did a lot because then it connected me to a lot of people. Um, and then I got to hear other people's grief stories, you know, and then you don't realize. How many people on this earth actually have experienced significant loss and how it has affected them. And I think that was probably the, uh, most enlightening part of that is that I got to see other people in their grief. And then they got to see me and then we got to exchange things. And then we got to, you know, become it created friendships that I didn't even know like, could or wouldn't. I was like, dang, maybe I should have posted this like two years ago when I really, really struggling, you know? Um, but yeah, honestly, it just, it's been great. It's a lot of networking from it. Just a lot of, you know, Genuine talks. I've had my message requests, literally thousands of message requests. Just thank you for telling your story. I've never told mine. Would you please listen? Of course, like, you know, and yeah, it's just, that has been awesome now. So did I think it was how my late husband meant I was going to go be someone on TikTok? No. Um, But I am glad because it's also another way that I can keep him alive and his name alive And that's really why I post on social media, you know, so

Mimi Gonzalez:

I mean, I mean, thank you again for sharing and There were so many things I picked up on that you said I can just tell When he was here and even after right that y'all your souls are like really connected Like, I just feel like there's something deeper, like spiritual, that y'all had that no one can ever understand, you know? Like, I can easily, like, pick up on that. Like, for him to say, you know, you're gonna be big on TikTok, and then for you on the day that he died, you just knew the whole time, but you didn't know exactly what, like, spiritual, baby.

Tatiana Banks:

Like, it's cra. It's crazy. And I was, you know, like I said, people have their opinions. Yeah, and lots of them, you know, but I would tell people all the time like You know, me and Daniel, something about us, like, even from the moment I saw him, which we met at church, right, when we were 15, and I just knew, I knew something about him was like, and my dad was like, he literally slid up on me, I'll never forget it, and I tell this story all the time. He slid up on me as I was staring at Daniel and he was like, you know, cause my husband's a little bit of a bad boy. Um, and so, um, I looked at my dad and I was like, how little did he know that, you know, five years later, I was gonna come knocking at his door with like, tada. Um, but yeah, we've always been very connected, you know, good times, bad times. Always, you know, and it's, I've never actually felt, you know, a big question everyone kind of asks anyone who experiences grief is, um, like, what are the signs? Do you ever feel them or, you know, things like that. And it's like, I don't think I ever stopped, you know, like, even though he died and he physically left this earth, which I'm mad about. Um. He's like still here and he's in these boys like like no other right and so Yeah, it's it's beautiful to to have something like that with someone, you know, and he truly was my best friend and I think that's what makes this so special and I think also hard for a lot of people to comprehend a lot of the How's and why's Um, because I truly don't believe what Daniel and I had, a lot of people truly get to experience, you know? And that doesn't mean that it was perfect, because no, it was far from that, but I think that is, you know, What made it so real and raw between he and I and why even till now like yeah I love that man. No matter what, you know, that was my husband. And yes, I love this new man No matter what just like I love my last husband. It's just different and different chapters of life, you know I

Mimi Gonzalez:

and I truly truly believe that If we are honoring our people who have died, we're gonna get signs all the time, but if you're not looking, if you're not putting that intention out there, I mean, and I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I got, like, really upset because when my best friend died in 2011, like, I didn't get signs for a long time, but I think I was just so angry, I was just so turned off by Spiritually, mentally, like, I wasn't tapped in like how I am now in the sense of like being open and just being in receiving mode of, you know, signs or whatever, you know, it's hard to explain unless you actually go through it. And I mean, you said you met him in church. I mean, I can only imagine and I've been there of like, this fine line of like, you know, spirituality and faith and religion where it's like, you know, Christianity and Catholicism tells you not to do ancestral veneration and like talking about the dead. But then like in spirituality, it's like after you experience loss, you have no choice, but to sometimes if you choose, if you want to be close, if you want to keep those memories alive. And I'm wondering if I was battling with that when I was a little younger. Oh, like, uh, It's a bad thing if I think about, you know, so do you, have you ever experienced that? Like, was that on your mind or like?

Tatiana Banks:

Yeah, absolutely. And I'm actually really glad that you asked that. Uh, cause another video of mine that actually went pretty viral is, um, my relationship with God after he passed away. Um, you know, cause we are, we are Christian and, and my faith is very important to me. Um, and I think after he passed, um, because like you said, when, when you're on the other side, we see things very differently than, than we did prior, you know? And I think a lot of people who knew me thought, uh, like, all right, she abandoned God. Like that, that was everyone's perception because I wasn't like looking or doing how, Well, it's quote unquote normal, right? And they were very far from it. I was talking to God every day because God is what kept me solid. Like the reason why I'm still here is 110 percent God, you know, but in that also for my sanity and what I just felt like God was like, it's okay. I talked to Daniel every day. I was yelling at him every single day. Like how dare you come get your kid while you just leave, you know? That helped me. So I still do it to this day. And, you know, did I have a battle? Because, you know, there were comments said to me about, you know, that fine line and things like that. Um, but I think ultimately what I decided was if I feel good with God, right. And if what I'm doing is not really, you know, really crazy, crazy, you know, I'm okay. You know, and if it's helping me process, if it's helping me get through this when no one else is, I think I'm good, you know, so I, you know, it was a bit of a challenge for a little bit, but um, you know, I, I, like I told everyone, you're just lucky you're not on this side.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Yeah, I'm really grateful we're having this discussion and I've always kind of struggled a little bit when it came to, like, I grew up in the church, I was in the choir, like, I, listen, I was involved, you know, I was baptized, like, you know, I was really involved, um, but I'm not, I'm not even gonna hold you, like, all of the losses that I've experienced definitely made me question. And uh, I, that's really why I kind of went down the more spiritual path and I was like, you know, whether we call it God, whether we call it universe, whether we call it our ancestors or spirit guides, like, I honestly think it's all the same thing. And as long as we're, I definitely feel like there's a higher being or something bigger than us. There has to be because. With experiencing so much loss. I just feel like I've unlocked this. I don't even know how to Explain it, but to what I was saying earlier, but like that's what griefsense is I feel like I've kind of unlocked this new level of consciousness That makes sense Something like that. Like, I just have like the deeper appreciation, uh, for life. The little things are no longer little things. The little things are really, really big things. Really big things. I just value people and I value my relationships because I do know That that could potentially be the last time I talk to this person. Like, I, and you'll learn this about me, I love snail mail and letters. I'm gonna write you one, one of these days. I love it. Handwritten notes, voicemails. Like, putting your, you gotta tell me your birthday. I'm gonna add it to my calendar. Like, I wanna know Daniel's birthday. anniversary too and his birthday like those dates are super important to me especially for my grief chosen family you know like it's just whatever we have to do to stay close to each other stay close to our people I honestly think only good is gonna come and what we talked about too like I think your story is a perfect Uh, example, as many, you know, grief stories are examples of, is that joy and pain coexist. Like you can feel pain and you can feel joy at the same time. It's like, I feel like adulting in general, but especially like when the grief is griefing, like we're breaking and healing like all at once. It's like, Such a wild ride.

Tatiana Banks:

It is, it is. And I think that's why, like, and that's where it kind of, like you said, like for me, like, there's no other way, God, like there has to be God because just the infinite things that happen in this world and then us as human beings, what we experience, what we take on, how we do it, just the magnitude of it all. And yet here we are, and we experienced that and we take that in and, and It's heartbreaking and yet it's beautiful all at once, you know, and, um, I just, there's so much beauty in that. I, I find it beautiful in the fact that I have loved another human being who's no longer physically on earth so much that to this day, I still mourn him. I'm still missing him. I'm still sad for him. I'm still happy for him in the same sense that there's this man right here that I'm madly in love with that's holding me. And reassuring me as I'm feeling these things because this person loves me that much. And I love him that much. And the fact that these two things can exist at one time is really unfathomable. Right. When, when you're looking on the outside and then when you're on the other side, though, you're like, Wow, like this is like life is truly beautiful and we do have to value it because not a moment is guaranteed to us no matter what, you know, and that's, you know, it's as simple as Daniel thought he was going to buy a brand new TV on Friday night. That's he, he thought that, okay, just like you think you're going to go to, you know, your, Cousin's quince or you're going to your dad's 40th birthday or whatever have you, you know, you think that's going to happen, but that doesn't necessarily mean that that's going to happen. You know, and I think just taking in these moments in life and, and all that exists in grief and outside of it is, is truly precious.

Mimi Gonzalez:

It absolutely is. And, you know, I do want to say too, like, I feel like you are just a living, breathing permission slip to other young widows. Um, and to other young people in general that you can go through traumatic and painful experience of your life and still live You can still live. You can still live, you can still love. You know, I really I'm working on a TikTok video soon. I have this vision and I think of, I'm just going to create it soon. But there's this, uh, I don't know if you've been seeing it. It's like been viral on TikTok. The, uh, the vision board, the tango board, a tango board vision board journal book, and I got it and I've already been cutting it up, working on my journal and I want to share a video on it soon, but what I think I'm going to say in that video, or just what's been really top of mind for me, and I see it in you as well as like, I truly think people who have experienced loss are the most creative people on this planet. I mean, we're actors. We're like, we can be film directors, producers, like, you know, but I truly feel that we are the most creative people on this planet and that's also why I kind of have like a hyper focus on creatives and content creators because I feel like we know how to create new realities because we have no choice. We've had to reinvent ourselves. In numerous ways, in ways that we never thought we would, like you're creating a whole new reality. And I think another reason why you are another walking, breathing, beautiful permission slip is that you are still so young and you have so much life ahead of you and you are trying to make sense of this new reality, creating it as you go. As in corporate, they used to say, building the plane as you fly it, you know, like, that's like concerning working for corporate America. Like what you mean? This plane ain't built yet? Right. Well, it's not built. Who's the pilot? What is, what is the pilot doing? I don't know. But when you experience loss, like that literally is the best, like you're building the plane as you fly it and you're doing a really freaking amazing, beautiful job, even though I know it's a job you never asked. for So yeah,

Tatiana Banks:

and you know, I'm, I'm kind of glad you said that because I think that's also something I had to learn, right? Because no, I didn't ask to be nobody's young widow, okay? Nobody's. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Nobody. Um, but I think this is also why it is very important to talk about death and grief and really make it, you know, known because the thing is that when you're choosing, when you choose to love someone, whether it's your spouse, your kids, whoever, right? This is the world and and death happens and exists no matter what. So as much as I wanna say, like no, I ain't sign up for this 'cause no I didn't. But in the same breath I did. Which is why we have vows, right? Like, because I did say till death do us part, it won't post to be like that soon. yum. Butt. You know, so we, we do, and I, but that is the beauty of love, that is the cost of love, you know, and I think that's when people start to grasp that, then, then you, you can understand and it makes it that much more like pure and beautiful and like, maybe we would learn to cherish and, and, and respect people and our partners more if we understood that truly. We signed up for the fact that I could lose you in any moment. And so with that knowledge, I'm going to do my utmost to make sure that I am my best for you in all of our moment.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Wow. That's so powerful. I mean, let's actually bring up another thought for me though. Like if you could give advice to people who still have their partners, what would be a question you would recommend they ask that you weren't able to ask Daniel before he passed? That maybe you are thinking about talking to Robert about, or maybe that you've already talked to Robert about. Like, what are some of those questions or conversations you've had, or recommend people have with their partners while they're still alive

Tatiana Banks:

Um, you know, I think it's actually pretty simple, um, the questions I would say, um, to talk to your partners, because it should be something that we do anyways, but because it's life, life happens, um, I think it's just being more intentional with everything. Um, that starting with your partner, you know, um, if I could have asked Daniel anything, it would have just been like, like, how can I love you more? Like, how do I do that? What else, what else can I do to show you that you're the amazing human being that you are? Like, how do I show you that respect, that, that genuineness, that, that you're, a necessary beautiful soul that I cherish on this earth, you know, um, that would probably be it because, you know, it, it helps in all aspects of the relationship, you know, and how do I honor you, you know, kind of like, you know, not to get religious or anything, but biblically, you know, how they go and they wash Jesus's feet. How can I do, how can I wash your feet? You know, like how do I do that for you? Because that builds a bond, a trust, uh, so many things within that, because you know, how do they know? What the goal is and that is to make sure you're good. That's what they want for you, you know And then also do you got life insurance because that's a little little tidbit i'm gonna put in there guys Because listen, we were so young my husband died at 26, okay And it was crazy because right before, literally two days before he died, he was like, babe, we got to get life insurance because I'm a roofer and that's dangerous. I said, you know what? I said, yeah, we'll do it at the end of the week. Why? He died two days later in a car accident. I said, this is so rude. So get life insurance guys, because I had to do everything from scratch. I was a stay at home mom. You know, he's a blue collar worker. We ain't have that much money saving. I mean, um, And so, you know, it would have been a lot easier, a lot less stress on me, especially because I found that I was pregnant after. Um, if I didn't have to go immediately into trying to figure out how to save the family. If we had life insurance, I would have had many more deep breaths and um, A chance to actually grieve, you know, and actually take that space for me. Um, and you know, unfortunately that wasn't the case, but there are so many people who don't have life insurance because you think, I'm not sick. I'm nowhere near old and things like that. But no, if you got kids, if you're married, you you should absolutely have life insurance. It's so important. Yes, don't question it. Just get it.

Mimi Gonzalez:

I'm so grateful you said that. I've actually had life insurance since I was 20 years old. Because, yeah, literally because it was just ingrained in my brain because my father, he died at 21. And so that was like etched in my brain. My mommy, she was always like, We got to make it to 21. We got to make it to 21. I was like, well, damn, well, you know, I'm turning 21 next year. I got to do it. Right. Cause like literally growing up, I don't know. Like logically, it doesn't make sense. Just because someone else like your father dies at a certain age doesn't mean you're going to die at a certain age. But that was my, that was my reality. Like I did not think I was going to make it past 21. So, you know, we, we, we locked in. Ooh, you in here. We good. You're fine. But, um, you know, just thank you for, for sharing that. And, you know, I do want to say, like, what's something that you wish people knew about Daniel? Like what, everyone listening in right now, what, what should we know about Daniel? Like, how can we hype him up and, and honor him today and every day?

Tatiana Banks:

I love that. Um, Daniel was. Literally the most selfless person I have ever met. It literally disgusted me. I'd be like I thought I was nice. No Um, I think the best way that anyone on this earth could honor him is literally by living how he, he literally just cared about people. Like, it didn't matter. He just, my husband was literally, literally a week before he passed away, a dog ran on a major street, right? And I looked at him and I was like, Daniel, right? And I'm not even a huge animal person. Okay. But like, it scared the mess out of me. Why did this fool, in the middle of an intersection, jump out of the car and was like, Get in the car! Ran after the dog to save it from being hit. I'll never forget this. And then I'm like driving, searching, and he chases this dog for miles. until he gets the dog safe. And that's just how he was. He just loved, he literally just loved. It didn't matter what, what your circumstance, what he didn't care. His thing was, I'll never tell you, I can't help you or no, I'll do what I can. And I'll always let you know, I'll do what I can. And so I think just that, just, just do what you can, you know, be who you are, love others. And that's, that's literally who he was.

Mimi Gonzalez:

so everyone listening lets channel Our inner Daniel. Live, care for each other, you know, love thy neighbor, right? Like, just, if you can, if you can, go the extra mile, try it out. Exactly. Yep.

Tatiana Banks:

If you can. And that's, yeah. I take it in, you know, I probably did it a little too much. I probably overdid it after he died. Because I was just trying to, you know, super, and I was like, all right, you gotta take it, you know, pull back a little bit. You can do it. But yeah, but yeah.

Mimi Gonzalez:

If you're able, if you can, you know, without sacrificing your peace and your safety. Yes, yes. Do it.

Tatiana Banks:

That. Don't sacrifice your peace. Don't do that. Don't sacrifice your home. But, you know, he was, he just was a beautiful soul. I, I'll never, I, he just, he's amazing. And I'm so glad that I have two children by him because they are literally, they have, they have him and it's,

Mimi Gonzalez:

He's here. He's here. And I'm honored to even experience his energy through you today and that everybody listening will They know his name and they will continue to know his name. And as long as I shall live I will keep on amplifying his name, you know. Wow, Tatiana, I am so blessed. I mean, you know, we've, we say it all the time, but I'm just, I'm just blessed to know you. And I just can't wait to be part of your life if you let me. Yeah, you already are. You didn't sign up for this. Yep. Locked in. Locked in. Um, well, on that note, you know, how can people get tapped in with you? How can they get connected with you? I just really want people to. You're just so friendly and so kind and you know, yeah, I just want more people to know you. So how can they find you and connect with you?

Tatiana Banks:

You're awesome. Well, you can find me through this beautiful woman, obviously. Um, you can find me on Tik Tok for sure. Official Tatiana Banks. Um, same with Instagram, official _ Tatiana Banks. Um, I'm currently working on a project, um, that hopefully becomes a very big, important thing. Um, because It's, it's needed. I'm, I'm working on creating a foundation for, uh, widows and widowers to basically provide aid and help because unfortunately it's just not something that's there. It's not a resource. Um, even though death is very, very common and happens often. Um, so yeah, I'm working on that. It's a big thing. I'm trying to get connections, networking, all that good stuff. So when everything's good to go, you'll hopefully see that too. Um, it'll. Kind of mimic my current business that I did start off for my late husband, which is the childcare. So it'll be called Mindstate. Um, and yeah, we're kind of going to go from there.

Mimi Gonzalez:

Well, what an honor it is to follow your journey. I can't wait to see you grow and how this is going to grow. And it's just really Daniel's legacy is living on and thriving and there's no turning back. Like it's, this is just going to keep elevating and growing from here. and You know, everyone tuning in, like, you know, I'd love to know your thoughts on this episode. Please let, you know, Tatiana and I know. Um, reach out to us, let us know what you thought. Um, if you share a similar experience, I hate that you know this grief and share this pain, but I would love to love on you and honor your story as well. So, uh, with that, you know, Tatiana, thank you so much for sharing your story, for being here and again, for not giving up because if you would have gave up, I would have never met you and I'm not going to let you ever give up now. Cause you know, so, um, so with that, y'all, you know, we'll catch you on the next episode. Thank you so much for tuning in. griefsense familia, that wraps up another episode of the grief sense podcast. If this resonated with you, please feel free to share with someone who will appreciate it and tell a friend to tell a friend. Also, I'm a firm believer that feedback is a gift. So, you know, I'm just saying, I won't be mad if you decide to leave a review and a rating of your experience on the podcast so far, also let's help each other find community in grief and let's amplify these stories far and wide. Thank you for tuning in, in solidarity, y con mucho amor. Mimi